swayed to change

Today I encountered another dead blog of mine. Since I began blogging, I must have created accounts in every conceivable blog out there. Back in the days when there were only a handful of blogging platforms, I created an account in each one in the search of where I can write with much freedom.

Only to go back here.

Thus began the cycle of self-censorship to allow me to contain in one platform my thoughts yet at the same time still maintaining a semblance of privacy.

Who am I kidding? My blog has been public for so long and yet I cringe at every follower who can read each post via email. I cringe when a friend approaches me and tells me she is following my blog. I cringe when I realize each new post is published in Facebook (which I deactivate most of the time).

My blog has been public for so long and yet I cringe at every follower who can read each post via email. I cringe when a friend approaches me and tells me she is following my blog. I cringe when I realize each new post is published in Facebook (which I deactivate most of the time).

So yes. For all this dilly dallying, this post will find itself occupying a bit in the vast world wide web. Perhaps it will begin as private. Then when I surmount the courage, it’ll end up public. Perhaps I will decide that my rambling thoughts are worth someone else’s time and that they are actually poetic and worthy of being published.

Well. For whatever it’s worth. Here goes.

Love & Indifference

The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

Meditating on portions of the book of Job has made me see how intimate Job’s relationship with the Lord is. He had the gall to question God and even pour out his anger at what God did to him. Something that God found pleasing and so he reaffirmed Job. Unlike Job’s friends whom God found displeasing for all their empty and indifferent words.

When God throws hurdles in our life, what is our response? Do we become indifferent and carry on as if nothing is happening? Or do we pour out our anguish and grief to God over our situation?

As I read, a marriage where you throw dishes at each other is better than an indifferent marriage where you simply ignore each other and move on to separate bedrooms.

Indeed, the more we hate, the more we love.

a case for change

I guess when one gets older, the years catch up and priorities start to change. Or perhaps it’s just a glaring fact when one is surrounded by young ones all too eager to discover the world, traversing the path already traversed long ago.

Or perhaps it’s just a change of heart – a change brought upon by the call for holiness to which I have responded too – much to my surprise and delight.

But for whatever it’s worth – I know there has been a change. The pure joy brought about by dog videos – our dog videos and pictures; the unknown joy brought about by a cousin’s cute picture – are these signs of an impending settling down?

But nah! This is an event far from happening yet. The world is big – and longs to be discovered. Besides, I am yet to be rediscovered.

flowing to happiness

my recent fixation on the flow wand and the flow arts had made me realize that happiness need not necessarily be connected to pursuing ultimate riches and finding means to gain financial freedom. i have come from a scenario wherein my afternoons were consumed of finding side jobs and various means to make more money in the pursuit of financial freedom that i had forgotten what it really meant to have a life and why i was going after financial freedom in the first place.

ultimately, the passion fizzled out and i was left with a burnt out soul longing for another release.

then enter the flow arts. at first i was a spectator, fascinated, nothing more. then my curiosity peaked and i dared enter their world. and found welcoming arms – people willing to welcome me for who i am and what i can offer.

and then the passion sparked. i long for nothing more than to reach the zenith of the flow arts – fire spinning. i long to also feel the heat of the flames close to my body as i give in to my flow.

and this is what consumes my afternoons now.

happiness is, at the end of the day, all about giving in to your passion. pursuing it. perfecting it.

On Being Creative

How do you keep creative juices going? Here’s a video I found:

 

mind vs heart

The fight has begun. The mind has awaken and put the heart where it belongs. The intensity is real. The mind was asleep before – in deep slumber – in denial. And so the heart was free to reign. Free to look. Free to imagine. Free to feel. But now the mind is awake. And all security forces strengthened. The heart cannot escape – must not escape. For it will endanger everything. And so it must be kept in check – behind bars – and in chains. He passes. The heart looks. And longs. This is war. The heart no longer coys but fights the raging battle within. Yet the mind is stronger. The will more powerful. Heart must not escape. Mind must win. It’s a dangerous precipe. Which one must survive.

Late Night Reflections on Typhoon Yolanda

It’s late and I’m supposed to be sleeping for tomorrow is another work day. It feels as if everything this side of the world is so normal when in fact, a few hundred miles south from here, severely catastrophic towns exist. Towns which I have visited countless times when I was young. Towns which holds fond childhood memories for me. Towns where loved ones whose conditions remain unknown reside.

Typhoon Yolanda brought destruction never before seen in the Philippines. Entire towns and cities washed away. Destruction and death lay at her wake. People hopeless and desperate – not knowing how they can ever rise again. Businesses looted by hungry victims as security forces – the little of who were left – stood by and watched helplessly.

I really don’t know what to say. I remain at a loss for words. I have packed everything I can send to help. I have planned to sell whatever I can to have some cash to donate. I long to still be in the thick of things, helping out in whatever way I can – repacking, distributing, reporting. The devastation is so vast, the task at hand is so big – where do we start? Where do they begin to rebuild their lives?

I am grateful our province was spared. There were some coastal towns who were also badly affected but other than that everything is now back to normal. On the day the storm hit close to our place, I was locked inside my room, unable to sleep soundly. I can hear the howling winds and feel it beat against the walls and roof of our house. There were moments when everything would be silent – then the howling would begin once again. It was a storm of winds and less of rain. The rain was bearable but the winds were not. To this date, when the storm has long passed and our nights are much calmer, I can sometimes hear the winds howling in my mind and the accompanying fear of what it could do in the dead of the night.

But what I experienced was way less than what those who were near the eye of the storm experienced. They felt the brunt of the wind 4-5 times what I felt. Plus, they experienced majority of the rain. But what was worse were the storm surges – a term which until recently held no meaning for me. I have never encountered the term storm surge and like many other people have no idea of the damage it entailed. Had I known storm surge would mean tidal waves that could create floods 10 feet deep, I would have been scared but nonetheless better prepared. I believe the same could be true for the hundreds who drowned, all because they didn’t understand the term and did not seek higher grounds thinking where they evacuated was enough.

It is heartbreaking to see the photos of devastation. It is heart wrenching to hear the pleas of people for food, water and shelter and to see those who lost loved ones moving along like zombies without aim or purpose. Restoration of power they say would take 2 months, and that is being optimistic. Restoration of communication lines is hoped to happen sooner. From there relief goods could be delivered to even the remotest hit area. But debris has yet to be cleaned from roads to unblock them. Houses and establishments have to be rebuilt. Hospitals, schools, government buildings, churches and other public spaces have to be re-constructed to better serve the affected people. Businesses have to re-establish themselves as they re-stock and fix their establishments. Whole towns and cities have to be reconstructed and repaired.

But more than the physical repair that would take 2 – 6 months at most, the people’s faith, hope and lives have to be reconstructed as well. Hope has to be re-instilled in their hearts that things will turn out for the better despite the massive destruction and the immense trial they have been through. Faith has to be strengthened in their minds that they have the capacity to rebuild their lives and that there is still an Almighty that looks after them. Their lives are severely battered. Those who lost families might have lost the will to live. Some have already migrated to other places leaving their destructed town believing that their lives there are over.

More than the cash and in-kind donations we send out to them, prayers would still be a lot of help. For as the cash and in-kind donations would provide them with the basic necessities of food, clothes and shelter, our prayers will help strengthen their resolve and give them hope, faith and their lives back again.

 

hay hay hay

Where is he? Where is he? Indeed where is he? Or maybe who is he? When will I meet him? How my heart cries out for him. This time it is a him and not a Him. But maybe I should really be pining for a Him as it is only Him who will bring him to me. I need to know him. Please. So I can end all the madness brought about by other unworthy candidates and at least prevent the gush of blood from my bleeding heart. Tsk. Cheesy. No I am never cheesy. At least I like to think so myself. I am after all, aptly described by someone as an ice queen. Cool, rational and cold like ice. Better make my heart like ice as well. Then again nice to find out soon enough before the heart bled to death. What am I doing? Getting distracted again when deadlines are snapping at my heels. But I thought he will bring relief and give inspiration to proceed with work. Well indeed there was inspiration borne out of melancholy, maybe or perhaps, bitterness. No not anger. It is not a worthy or sufficient feeling. There is nothing to be angry about after all. It was a game I entered voluntarily. Blame is on me as much as it was on him. No paragraphs on this entry just as my thoughts are running like fire. Now I must convert all these overzealous neural circuits to the articles I am writing. Boo him.

stumped yet still..

I have another set of deadlines to beat but still I can’t help but post an entry. I am finding the QuickPress option really handy for this quick and short posts. Of course I do not want to get into the habit of posting so short updates. I am always brimming with ideas for those long, mind-boggling yet reflective posts I used to make. But time won’t permit me so all I have to contend myself with is a notes box in my desktop courtesy of Rainmeter with all my blog ideas.

But what reflection do I have today? Somehow it hit my mind that the last pastor I talked to was right. Young professionals do have two simple major concerns in life – career and love life.

As for my career, I can’t say it is a career per se but I am a writer now, well on the way of becoming a full-pledged one. It may not be the journalistic writing I have envisioned for myself but I am still glad I am a writer. For it has always been a dream of mine.

For my love life, well, that’s a big question. I keep telling myself I am not ready for love, that I do not need it at this time, but who am I fooling? I pine for it. That’s the simple truth. So in the lyrics of Natalie and Justin Roman’s song Where Are You :

Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is gonna take me so high?

comedy turned melancholy

Depressing. Utterly depressing.

The book which just recently left me laughing out loud and highly entertained somehow made me depressed enough not to sleep by its conclusion. I cannot quite believe it ended so badly. Of course there was still comic relief at the ending – comedy was one consistent point of the book although it illustrated human suffering far from the confines of our human imaginations. But then again, I was depressed at the ill fate of the books protagonist. I kept expecting a new page to sprang up when I finished the last page, hoping it would contain some ingenious idea of the protagonist at how he was able to escape from his unexpected fate.

But there was none. And so I flung the book down and tried to sleep. But sleep won’t touch my consciousness as pictures of the books scenes kept drifting in my mind, all to end at the very unexpected and unfortunate ending. I was livid with rage then numbness. I couldn’t believe the author will just do that to the protagonist. I can’t believe it.

But then that is the beauty of the book. It was what made the book realistic despite the many allusions to comedy. It was what made the readers realize that the human sufferings describes – the inhumane tortures we hope we never get to witness, much less experience in our lifetime, are really real and happening in that large corner of the world. The ending is the stark reminder that there are cruelties in this world of which we have never ever dreamed of and that we are suppose to be fighting off – if we actually care enough to fight them off.

I cannot yet divulge what that book is. I cannot even begin to speak of its title yet. I will do a review once the initial shock has faded. But for now, suffice to say, I was depressed by the ending. I cannot bear to recall all the funny moments without remembering that it will all end badly.

The book is splendidly written. I can’t wait to start writing a review. And I can’t imagine that it all costs 20 pesos.

 

Update: To read my review on the book, check this out.