one of my blogs in friendster detailed the last few seconds of my internet access at some obscure shop. this is no different. my body aches. my muscles twitch. yet i face another sleepless night trying to finish up on my thesis proposal. such is college life. and i know i’ll be sad when the day comes that i must leave this phase in my life. college does have its ups and down. failing exams and your instructor mercilessly (or is it mercifully) giving you the chance to catch up by letting you run early am in some “fun” run..after a sleepless night (peace!)..i don’t think i’ll have the energy to do it.
all around me i hear the sounds of people playing computer games. where do they get the money??ah! may time is up.
when i see you glance at me
when i feel you pass by me
my heart leaps
my breath stops
it’s corny i know
it’s a cliche for all i care
but it’s exactly what happens
it’s something i can’t deny
try as i must i can’t
i try to hide
i try to flee
i avoid your eyes
but they mesmerize me
i try to forget you
but i just can’t
it’s infatuation i know
but what if it’s love
oh please stop
i don’t want to
and maybe so much more…
why is it that everytime i feel the urge to publish something it concerns love?i said i’ll only stay for 30 mins. well it seems i’d be staying much much longer. for an hour maybe. oh well it can be worth it. it may be not.
love. as i said it consumes us. it engulfs us. it makes us. it breaks us.
yet we all seek for love. we want it. we crave for it.
somehow love without the proper rationalization will indeed break us. they say love with your heart but i say love with your mind. the heart lets you feel love but the mind keeps you out of its traps.
so at this point in time, i say love with your mind but don’t smolder the heart.
When Jesus left this world to return to the father, he did not leave his disciples alone. Rather when he went he sent for the Holy Spirit to strengthen them. Well not only them but the rest of the believers that would also soon follow.
And it is this same Spirit that I asked God to sent to me. And he did. He gave me a gift. Something I didn’t even think of as a gift. It was there all along and yet I didn’t recognize it. I just hope he gives me affirmation. And oppurtunities.
cia. so young. so inlove. really? then why the confusing train of thoughts? i love her. yet i know she must face the world on her own. i can’t protect her. i can’t shield her from the monstrosity of this fallen world.
love. the eternal word. brings joy. brings pain.
love. something i can’t fit in my sked. something that’s screaming to be fitted.
love. i want to ignore. but i can’t. it’s there. it’s in me.
like a temptation on the brink of success. like a temptation i should avoid. like a temptation i can’t fight.
love. love. love. when will it leave me? can’t it see i’m not ready? can’t it see i’m afraid. afraid to make the same mistakes. afraid to be so engulfed and forget wmy principles again.
that’s it. i’m afraid. afraid to face probably the best feeling i would ever know.
i’m simply so busy this days that a portion of my life has no place in this realm. yet why is it that i long for that portion to be active?what stage am i going thru???why??why does it threaten to consume me??to burn me??ah..such pain such agony..i long to immerse myself in the life i created for my own..yet they threaten my peace..my existence..i long for it yet i’m afraid if i’m up to it…and what is this thing??this thing that run as i must i cannot avoid..hide as i will i cannot do..well simply it is this thing we call … LOVE
the first time she entered the room i knew it was her. there was that unmistakable smile in her face that eventhough i have only seen photos of her i knew i wasn’t mistaken. it was she.
there was the air of like i have known her for years. it was as if we were introduced a long time ago. i was tempted to ask her if she was “……” but i caught myself. i can’t blew my cover and let her know i knew her because of him.
she was friendly. funny. i can tell we clicked from the start. her sense of humor was refreshing. her friendliness exciting.
i can’t believe she hurt him. maybe she had her valid reasons. and maybe she didn’t really intend what she did.
there are two sides to every coin. just as there are two sides to this story.
and i intend to know both side.
the coin is standing up. both sides are equal.
i intend to enjoy her friendship. as well as his.
my head is actually throbbing..i’ve been awake since 4:30am..have endured the grueling commute from my place in LP to my school in QC..i have been subjected to the rigors of the tiresome enrollment..and i’m not sure i could endure more..yet i must..i must..
i still have some hang-ups from the logbook post of our dear org’s shakespeare..face it gal..you can never write as fluidly as him..you have your own individual style..
i really should rest..yet i can’t fathom why i am still in this cyber cafe..typing incessant words to this machine..maybe because i have a few hours to spare..maybe because i want to have a post at least per month and keep this alive..maybe because i simply want to rant..
today i have faced the thing i loved and have come close to losing..i have discovered it formed the core of my life in my school..it was part of me..something i can never part with..no matter how i tried..i miss them..yet i don’t want to see them..why?i dunno..i have no idea..maybe because of the crisis i face now..and because i don’t want to admit it to them..a classic tale of pride..yes..i am a prideful person..a prideful person indeed.
i love my org. yet ‘m afraid that that same love would bring me to ruins. the summer vacation has been more of a retreat for me. a retreat from the busyness of my college life. a time when i came to realize how stupid and erroneous my ways have been. i have indeed been caught up with the sudden freedom. making moves that i didn’t think about. making moves that i didn’t consider the consequences. but i vowed to be a better person. a better man. or woman.
i must put to good use my 4yrs of training in high school. i must reform. yet i’m scared that in the process of reformation i would discover that my org has made me a worse person. i don’t deny the things i’ve learned from it. yet i still can’t fathom how much of my delinquet ways was actually because of it.
i find myself more and more unable to defend my acts to my family..much more to myself. i’m really scared now. afraid to lose the things i most love.
its past nine. past my previous dorm’s curfew. i must leave. i can’t fully guarantee my companion and i’s safety.
i hope this sheds light to my actions this day.
i really don’t have much too say. ever since i started getting the hang of making blogs i suddenly had the passion to start posting all the petty intricacies of my life. it seems i want to immortalize every second, every minute, every hour of my earthly existence in the portals of a website.
yet sadly i have not the means to do so. i am but a poor struggling student who can’t afford the luxury of being internet-connected 24/7. so i have no other option but to immortalize them in my memories and if i’m apt to it, in my paper journal.
today i was fortunate enough to be able to go to the city and avail internet access. yet i had too many things in my mind that the passion for writing something was already extinguished. it was yet to be revived. perhaps when i’m home again with no internet?
but as fate would have it, the internet lady told me i have 10 more minutes that i can choose to maximize. i would be paying the same rate whether or not i used the ten minutes. so why not use it to my advantage? with the rising prices of almost everything today..it would do you no harm at all to maximize every peso you pay for anything.
just yesterday, i was fed with the news that the regular fare of 5.50 would raise to 8.00 today. shucks! that’s a big dent to the pocket as i have to take 2 rides to get to the heart of the city. and we musn’t forego the fact that a raise in fare rates almost means a raise in commodity prices.
i’m led to wonder when will all this rising stuff end? will it ever end? everything seems to rise except the living conditions. argh! i don’t want to be political and everything. for it brings back so much frustrations.
that’s it. ten minutes is up. so little written. my writing skills are getting rusty.
i dont know what really came over me. is it just the sudden rush of things or rather the popularity of blogs affecting my rather stubborn mind? when blogs became the “in” thing..i really didn’t care that much..why?simply because i deem my written journals we’re better. only i could read them. they were easily accessible. and i have grown accustomed to them.
but it seemed change would soon inflict me. the blog epidemic caught up with me. and thus here i am. making my first post. i dunno what would ever become of this. if i would continue this madness of making my thoughts public. or maybe i would simply lose the zeal of uploading my thoughts and went back to my good old paper journals. which by the way i still hope would, in the not so distant future, be an anne frank journal of sorts.
so there. my basic inspiration for writing journals was revealed. but times change. we have advanced technologies now. so thus we have better(??) journals.
i wonder if anne frank would have made blogs also(?).