#melancholy

I miss the talks
We used to have
You’ve been a friend
That I did not expect
But now you’re busy
With no time to spare
And I’m left alone
Once again

Bored with nothing to do
Challenge gone stress creeps in
The wind is blowing
Calling once again
To make a move
Same as before

#drama

Micropoem: I Went

i went to where

we said we’ll go

but you were not

with me

Note: Taking inspiration from another admirable blogger, I’ll try my skills at micro poetry. Which kind of reminds me of all the very short stories I wrote in Twitter. Perhaps I should gather them too into this blog. 

A Silent Ode to You

 

You do not know

And you will never know

That I have this ‘thing’ for you

Ever since I saw the inner you.

But circumstances won’t allow

And the timing isn’t right

For there to be a me & you.

And so I resign

To just be a friend

A friend close enough to be a brother

A friend close enough to be a sister

For friendships are better

Than commitments

For friendships last while commitments often don’t.

at the cliff’s edge

I am at the edge of a cliff. Staring far out into the horizon.

I see a vast world before me. Filled with new things to discover.

In this cliff the grass is green. Not abundant but enough. Pwede nang pagtiyagan.

I look out at the horizon again. And I wonder.

Would the grass be greener and far richer? Should I be there instead of here?

I long to jump off from the cliff. See if I will fly. See if I will soar.

I know I may fall. I may fall hard and bruise myself.

But still I want to try.

I may come back to this cliff. I may not. Only God knows.

But then my soul yearns to know more. To learn more. To explore and discover.

I need to jump. I need to make the jump now.

The longer I stay in this cliff, the more the horizon becomes a hazy dream.

Like a mirage in a parched desert. Surreal and unreal.

I need to make the jump. Now.

When I still have the courage. When the horizon still appears distinct and beckoning.

When I am still young and able. When I am still supple.

If I jump tomorrow or sometime in the future, I’m afraid that if I fall, the bruises will hurt far more.

Jump. I must.

I must.

NOWHERE GIRL


 
She’s all lost and alone,
Scared of too much things.
If only she could see how much she’s grown,
Or appreciate the little things life brings.
 
She said she’s at the edge of a cliff
And all she wants to do is jump.
Can’t she see that life’s not that stiff,
Not straight roads, but also full of bumps?
 
She’ll never know whether she’ll crash or fly
Or discover life in its fullest bloom.
I wanted to desperately ask her “why?”
“Why now and why this soon?”
 
                She’s my lost and lonely girl
                Always aloof and apart
                She’s the Nowhere Girl
                Can’t you see how you’re breaking my heart?
 
Tears well up in her eyes
As she feels the need to be free.
Yet she’s scared of long and sad goodbyes
Of unknown things and uncertainty.
 
Go and live your life, my sweet Nowhere Girl
Go! And let your sails unfurl.
Go and discover what life really is,
Carpe Diem, never resist.
 
                She’s still the Nowhere Girl,
                Always looking beyond the horizon
                If she finds her path, her destiny
                Then the girl will soon be ready…
               
If you go tired of chasing your dreams,
Flowing like water between the seams,
Then surely you can return home…
And you’ll find you’ve never been alone. 

*made for me  by someone “special” ;-P

for you, W

I admired you the first time I heard your voice.
I admired you the first time I encountered your wit.
I admired your ease with small talk, your adept with conversations.
I admired you.

I looked you up and found your photo.
I looked you up and known your status.
I was dismayed on both occasions.
You weren’t who I imagined you to be.
You already belonged to someone else.

But still I admired you.
Secretly, I did.

I was elated when you became my friend.
I was elated when you replied to my queries, businesslike at the start, personal afterwards.
I was elated you would talk to me.
I was elated when you cared for me.
I was elated when you made me laugh.

The more I talked to you, the more I saw your brilliance.
The more I talked to you, the more I learned your personality.
I admired you even more.

The admiration grew deeper and soon I found myself falling for you.
It was one-sided.
I knew you saw me just as a friend – maybe even a little sister at that.

And when I got depressed one time,
when you apparently disappeared and I didn’t know where to;
When our talks suddenly stopped and I can’t find out where you were;
I knew I had to reign myself in.

(Did you know I even caught my eyes watering when I saw your username fused with your girl’s name?)

There would never be anything more than friendship for us.

And so I reined my emotions; controlled them and pulled them in.
I buried them and burned them; squashed them with all my might.

I stopped my fall. Stood up. Moved on.
I still admire you but not with the same intensity as before.

And now our friendship is threatened and I hurt deeply.
The pain I feel is even more than the previous pain I’ve felt.

I don’t want to lose the level of friendship we now have.
I don’t.

Neither do I want to choose.

I know you will never make me choose,
But there would always be a shadow between us.
I don’t want that.

Finally I can hear your voice again after such a long, long time.
I am excited beyond all doubts.

But I am also wary because of what you will say.
Because of what I will say.
Because of what may happen next.

I love you. I hope you don’t go.
I’ve told you before that my life will be utterly boring when you’re gone.

I will be leaving in a few months time.
We would soon be apart and our paths may never cross again.
But I hope that before that time comes, we would remain friends.
Just like before.

And don’t give me crap about face value.
I never looked at face value.
It’s always the inner person that I see first.
I don’t know how to end this.

I’m not even sure if you’ll directly find out from me;
If I’ll email this to your inbox.

I look forward to hearing your voice
Even when the words it will bear will send daggers to my mind
And cause my heart to bleed.

alex the lion

epilogue

 

He reached out first. 
I won the waiting game. 
But when I found out why it took him that long to speak; I was sad for him. 
I wanted to go to his side and soothe his worries and pains. 
I wanted to be there for him to ease his troubles and worries. 
I felt it so strongly in my heart, that my heart constricted. 
I felt is so strongly that tears threatened to spill from my eyes. 
I cared for him. 
I do. 
And since I know that we would never be. 
Since I know that we could never be
I’ll continue caring in silence. 
Offering friendship, only friendship. 
For it is but friendship that is needed. 
That is welcome.

He reached out first. 

I won the waiting game. 

But when I found out why it took him that long to speak; I was sad for him. 

I wanted to go to his side and soothe his worries and pains. 

I wanted to be there for him to ease his troubles and worries. 

I felt it so strongly in my heart, that my heart constricted. 

I felt is so strongly that tears threatened to spill from my eyes. 

I cared for him. 

I do. 

And since I know that we would never be. 

Since I know that we could never be

I’ll continue caring in silence. 

Offering friendship, only friendship. 

For it is but friendship that is needed. 

That is welcome.

 

 

*note: This has been written long ago. It is the sequel to the previous post.

the waiting game

 

He’s there, but I dare not speak.
He’s there, but the silence remains – deafening to both our ears. 
We’re both stalling time. 
Waiting to see who will make the first move. 
We’re both stalling time. 
Thinking what words the other would like to hear.
I am here, but he dares not speak. 
I am here, but there is a great chasm of silence – deafening our ears. 
We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what would happen next. 
We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what course of action we both want to happen next. 
This is madness. 
Missing him when he is but an arm’s length away. 
This is madness. 
Missing him when rationality dictates that such an emotion is forbidden. 
This is madness. 
Insanity at its best. 
Yet I still welcome the feeling. The emotion. Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. 
Better indeed. 
Yet love, is this what this should be called? 
Or maybe it is purely insane infatuation. 
Maybe he’s busy. 
That’s why he won’t speak. 
Maybe he’s waiting for me. That’s why he won’t speak. 
Two can play in this game, called waiting or stalling. 
Let’s see who gives in first. 
Woe to me if I do. 
Woe to him if he does. 
In that case then, let’s just remain in this impasse. 
Both staring. 
Both silent. 
Itching to reach out. 
But prideful nonetheless. 
He reached out first.
*note: This is something made a long time ago and had just been stored in my outlook drafts box. I thought it best to publish now.

He’s there, but I dare not speak.

He’s there, but the silence remains – deafening to both our ears. 

 

We’re both stalling time. 

Waiting to see who will make the first move. 

 

We’re both stalling time. 

Thinking what words the other would like to hear.

 

I am here, but he dares not speak. 

I am here, but there is a great chasm of silence – deafening our ears. 

 

We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what would happen next. 

We’re both silent; thoughtful as to what course of action we both want to happen next. 

 

This is madness. 

Missing him when he is but an arm’s length away. 

 

This is madness. 

Missing him when rationality dictates that such an emotion is forbidden. 

 

This is madness. 

Insanity at its best. 

 

Yet I still welcome the feeling. The emotion. Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. 

 

Better indeed. 

 

Yet love, is this what this should be called? 

Or maybe it is purely insane infatuation. 

 

Maybe he’s busy. 

That’s why he won’t speak. 

 

Maybe he’s waiting for me.

That’s why he won’t speak. 

 

Two can play in this game, called waiting or stalling. 

Let’s see who gives in first. 

 

Woe to me if I do. 

Woe to him if he does. 

 

In that case then, let’s just remain in this impasse. 

 

Both staring. 

Both silent. 

Itching to reach out. 

But prideful nonetheless. 

 

He reached out first.

 

chat

 

*note: This is something made a long time ago and had just been stored in my outlook drafts box. I thought it best to publish now.

for you

Because I cannot speak to you
For my mind will not allow me to do so
For rational thinking won’t allow me to
I would simply blog about what I want to say
The words I cannot speak to you
The world would know

I say this not for your sake but for mine
For to keep so much bottled emotions won’t be healthy
To have so much inside would just zap my energy
And I might be left senseless and broken
If I do not learn to rise up from this

Funny how people write personal items in their diaries
Items which are for them so private that it is only for their eyes to see
What glitch do I have in my body that makes me want to publish
The thoughts which are suppose to be for my eyes only?

Yet here I am telling the world about me
Unafraid. Uncaring. Apathetic
As to what the world would say.

I must be reckless, doing this; risking exposure
I must be brave, doing this; knowing I could always stand up for myself
Or I must be plain stupid.

Do you have any idea how much self-control it took me not to talk to you?
When you suddenly disappeared I feared something bad happened to you
It took me all my willpower not to seek you out and find out what happened
You see I think that for the small window of time I’ve known you I cared for you even just a bit
For that small window of time I’ve known you, you’ve managed to make some small imprint in my system

I cannot quite imagine how I would spend my days without you to talk to
I cannot quite imagine how I’ll alleviate my boredom without you by my side
I cannot quite imagine my world without you in it

But I know I must continue; I must move on
This episode in my life, might have made me look stupid or gullible or fragile or whatever
But I know that I would emerge a better person after this

I might have been stupid to believe that I would really mean something.
For you such words always come easy – you have no qualms telling them to someone
For me such words are precious – I rarely hear them for I am always aloof from those who could provide them

Sometimes I hate the fact that you told me such words
When you most probably knew the impact they’ll have on me
Sometimes I hate the fact that the words probably meant something simpler
Than what I have affixed them
Than what I have made them out to be

I hate it that I am compelled to remember such nice memories
Then in less than a second, the nice memories would become worst than a nightmare
I hate it that my quiet emotional balance had been thrown off guard by your words
And now, I am yet at their mercy – anxious when they would next strike

Yet for all this madness and pain
I know my mind will find an escape
I would soon be able to relegate this to a deep recess of my mind
To be forgotten to oblivion

I do not still know if we would really be friends
I think I lied when I said that the guys I’ve encountered who were like you became my best guy friends
I have come to realize that my best guy friends, though they have somewhat similar scenarios like yours
Didn’t had an attitude like yours
I felt the sincerity of their words when they told me that I was special to them
That even though we didn’t end up together, I knew that at a point in time, no matter how brief
I actually occupied a portion of their hearts
Our days of bliss where pure
Untainted by complications and questions of what if and what could have been
Things just didn’t work out for us
And so we had to part ways as lovers, only to be rejoined as friends

I do not know if the same will be true for you
For I will forever be under the impression that I was just one of the girls to you
One of the girls who were stupid or gullible enough to believe your words

I am harsh
Yet this is brutal honesty
I am honest to the point that it hurts

The feeling was good while it lasted
The pain was real when it ended

And I am left to face my misery alone
And thanks to you
My world was overthrown
My carefully shielded and guarded emotions were thrown in shambles

If you derive pleasure from this, so be it
I do not care
I will soon rise from this
Stronger than before I fell

hai

magtatanong… alam naman ang sagot.

magtataka… wala naman dapat ipagtaka.

magkukunwari… bistado naman.

hai.

buhay nga naman. complikado. magulo. hindi basta-basta.

kaya masaya mabuhay. may lungkot at ligaya. may pait at saya.

minsan masasaktan. pero makakabangon din naman.

minsan malulungkot. pero liligaya rin naman.

life goes on, sabi nga.

at ako, ngingiti na lang…habang pinagpapatuloy itong buhay na may hanganan.

🙂