Note: This article was made a long time ago. Then I took it down only to bring it up again. I was inspired to be brave about this after I gave my testimony to church during our seminar on love and relationships as God has designed it.
May Jesus be glorified in my weakness.
A friend tagged me in a link shared across Facebook. It’s about how a girl made the purity vow when she was 10 years old only to end up regretting it although she was able to remain chaste and pure until marriage.
I was tagged because when I was 16 – as I was beginning my college years, I made the same vow of purity and told all my friends about it in the hopes of inspiring them to do the same. No one outside my church did. Yet they remembered me for my zeal in advocating purity under the banner of True Love Waits.
Fast forward to my early yuppie days, I confess that I’ve broken the said vow. The effect was disastrous. I saw myself as dirty. I saw myself as someone who have sinned. My early sexual experiences, although with a guy I loved, always ended up in guilt and shame. I did not enjoy the act as I am wrapped up in thoughts that I have sinned; that Jesus is probably sneering at me; and that I have already broken my vow. Further on, the feeling that I have soiled my body; that I am now damaged goods and that no other man would want me except my boyfriend forced me to confine myself to a slowly decaying relationship bounded to a man who at first was the epitome of love then subsequently becoming the epitome of cruelty.
Having a vow then breaking it wrecked my otherwise healthy perception about myself, my body and my life.
Yet, I do believe that there is a God and the He loves me – virginity or no virginity.
Slowly, after a year of traumatic sexual experience, my mind was opened and I started to love myself again. I began to see that Jesus loves me despite what happened. I began to see that despite of me still being sexually active, He still loved me and He is not condemning me. I began to see that sex need not produce guilty feelings in me. That sex was good and pleasurable. That I was not damaged goods and that any guy would be lucky to have me. There was nothing wrong with my desire to master the art of sex by reading and feeding my mind – mind you, not with porn but with educational materials on what sex is all about. I began to see that sex is not dirty and that it is an act created by God. That it is something good that came from the Maker of everything good in this world.
My mind was slowly transformed. And as my mind transformed, my heart and my body followed. I began to desire again purity – this time not because I viewed sex before marriage as something evil but because I wanted a pure experience with my future husband. It’s because I have began to understand that sex is such a pure and pleasurable act that I want nothing more than to share it only with the guy I married.
I began to long for that one man who will be by my side for a lifetime and who can share my mind, my heart and my body. That guy who I will be confident enough will be by my side through good and tough times. That guy who won’t leave me. That guy who will grow old with me. After several failed attempts, I began to realize that that guy will only materialize after marriage. For any guy, no matter how seemingly perfect and ideal, without the blessings of a marriage can still slip away and not be part of my forever.
And so I pity the author, for indeed she has been deluded into making and keeping a vow she didn’t quite understood. Although the vow had good intentions, the way it was explained and executed could have been tons better. Ten-year-old’s are not supposed to take vows of purity. They haven’t reached adolescent yet and are not in the position to make such decisions about their body.
Likewise, a vow of purity is not just for girls. It applies to boys too. And only those who fully understood what the vow meant must take it otherwise they are making a foolish vow.
Did I make a foolish vow way back since I broke it eventually?
I did understood what I was getting myself into. I was a teacher of TLW (True Love Waits) and I knew what I was teaching. Being pure and abstaining from sex before marriage means no unwanted pregnancies, protection from STD’s, no broken hearts and less emotional pains. And yet, despite knowing all these, I went ahead and broke my vow.
But as I said we have a gracious and loving God. He forgave me. He took away my guilt. He restored me and told me I am still righteous before His eyes. And His promises remain true.
Yes, I have been sexually active. Yes, I have engaged in pre-marital sex. Yes, I broke my purity vow.
But I am not condemned. I am not unloved. I am no longer guilty.
Instead, I am well-loved, forgiven and accepted by Jesus. And He can still and will use me mightily for His kingdom.
PS. I deliberated whether to post this and make it public. I debated if I am divulging too much of myself especially to people I know who might hold me in some pedestal or another. I do not wish to offend sensibilities or crash hopes. I am merely speaking aloud about a topic that in my opinion has remained taboo despite the fact that everyone’s been doing it. I firmly believe that it should be discussed in an educated manner and not left to the media to glorify and bring about wrong notions. Pre-marital sex is a reality that society has to face. Simple explanation of the bees-and-the-birds followed by a stern warning of “no sex before marriage” is not enough given how media portrays sex in every channel available.
The author’s conclusion of: “It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church. Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours.” to a point rings true. Parents, church mates, pastors, advisers, friends, etc. can all have their opinion on your sexuality and how you go about with it but the ultimate deciding factor is yourself and not them. But, if you have led a life or want to lead a life acknowledging that Jesus is Your Lord and Savior (the only precursor to salvation), then your body and your sex life, is something that you will also have to submit to Him.
Don’t be afraid. Jesus is not a kill joy. He will not kill your sex life. In fact, He will give you a much better one. After all, it was Him who invented sex.
Related Articles – What Other Christians Are Saying About Pre-Marital Sex:
The global Church really needs to reassess it’s practical views on topics such as this and realise that it is in an inevitable war with an increasingly explicit society, where porn is so accessible, and many young people will grow up with an obscure expectation of what sex is. In order for the Church to better educate unmarried people on what a loving, sexually active relationship looks like, it needs to speak up and it needs to get over the fact that there may be plenty of strong Christians in sexually active relationships, and this does not make them any less a follower of Christ.
AlexJGuest from Faithful Remembrance
As someone who followed all of the rules and waited until I was married to have sex, I was assured that I would be guaranteed an easy and rewarding sex life. When reality turned out to be different than what I’d been told, I was disappointed and disillusioned.
Lily Dunn, Guest Post on Irresistibly Fish about the Lies About Sex – 4 Part Series
Saving sex for marriage is not a guarantee that you will have great sex, that sex will be easy, or in some cases, that sex will even be possible. All it guarantees is that the person you fumble through it with will be someone who has already committed to love you forever. To me, this is still SO worth it.
Lily Dunn, Guest Post on Irresistibly Fish: Lies About Sex Part II: The Myth of the Magical Wedding Night