Love Is Not Complicated

It all begins with attraction. You’re attracted to him. She’s attracted to you.

After the initial attraction, comes the question: is he (or she) available?

Yes? Then go! No? Then stop.

Once that hurdle is done, you ask the tough questions.

Do you share the same faith? Do you believe in the same values? Are you both capable of raising a family? Are you looking for the same things? Are you compatible?

Yes? Go on! No? Stop and look for another.

Love – the romantic one – is really straight forward. If you strip it of the emotions that accompany it, it’s not complicated at all.

But of course, what is love without the emotions of giddiness, happiness, “kilig”, sadness, jealousy, anger, longing, etc.? All these emotions make love exciting and colorful yet also adds to the complications it presents. However, if we learn to acknowledge these emotions along with the objective facets of love, then I see no complications at all. Many heartaches would be prevented if only we can all be objective and rational on how we approach love.

Sadly – myself included – when love enters, no matter how hard we try, all rationality goes out the door. And when love ends, we are confronted with a shattered heart.

But there is one love that will never end. The love that even if we threw off rationality and run away from will still endure and wait patiently for us to come to our senses. The love that was also irrational in a sense because all comforts and splendor were foregone just so we can be restored.

Yes, my friend. That love is the love of Jesus. The greatest love of all.

Have you experienced it?

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Mature Love

Last week I heard someone say that looking for a partner is pretty much like recruiting an applicant for work. You look at their credentials and if they meet your requirements then you consider them. If not, then despite how attractive they are, you move on.

I have to say this is mature love. It goes beyond the kilig feeling and sees deep into the future of what could be. It’s also a love that asks not what the person can do for you but also what you can offer the other person in return.

Hearing the person speak and share his thoughts made me see him in a whole new light. Someone I’ve known for close to a year but never really gave much thought has suddenly entered my radar full blown. I am curious about him. I want to know him better. Be his friend. See if he fits the bill.

I think nothing’s wrong finding out about him. There are several things left wanting and which I’m still praying for wisdom how to approach but making him as a friend – I see no harm in that.

And so, over the weekend I asked God that if it was really in His will that I should develop a friendship with this person that He be the one to create a way for us to have a conversation. As extrovert as I am, I don’t fancy myself approaching him out of the blue and talking to him about his interests or what not.

And so it happened. As innocently as the sun rising in the east, I found myself sharing a light moment with him and a group of other senior leaders in the company. We laughed at jokes – not the crude and immature ones – but those rooted in serious matters like business, client relations and future goals. And they were not negative jokes rooted in work discontent. They were honest jokes rooted in future positive goals and opportunities.

It was a group effort but one that gave me a deeper glimpse into who he is.

But that was a group conversation. Dare I say that we also had a personal conversation? This time it was he who initiated it. Again, not me. Just a simple note to tell me to get the coffee and sugar he brought for me. Of which I actually forgot but was touched to know that he remembered.

And from there a conversation on agriculture and farming naturally flowed. So yeah. He knows about agriculture. He is business-minded. He is responsible. And so far, he knows his stuff. He also has a vision.

Of course there’s a lot more to be known about this person but will I pursue the friendship – why not?

I will trust the Lord to unveil it as each day pass.

Admission and Saving a Friendship

For the past days I avoided him like the plague. I valued my sanity. I guarded my heart. I know he noticed – how from being closed friends I suddenly turned cold. But I cannot help it. I do not want gossip. I do not want people to murmur. 

And yet I pined away for the friendship lost. A good friend in the making seemingly down the drain. I was sad things are over. 

Yet I was reminded of the past. Faithful blog posts showed me how capable I am of handling emotions and how my mind can ultimately win over my heart. I’ve been reminded of the instances wherein feelings would develop for friends but for friendship’s sake I have learned – we both have learned – to let go and fight for the friendship. And both parties survived with no casualties. 

Talking with another friend, admitting my weaknesses, has shed light that avoidance is not the solution. Friendships are too valuable to be sacrificed in the name of the often deceptive “love”. 

And so, I resolve, to give this friendship a shot. And if it comes down to an honest admission – well – what have I got to be afraid of. I’ve been through much worse and survived.

mind vs heart

The fight has begun. The mind has awaken and put the heart where it belongs. The intensity is real. The mind was asleep before – in deep slumber – in denial. And so the heart was free to reign. Free to look. Free to imagine. Free to feel. But now the mind is awake. And all security forces strengthened. The heart cannot escape – must not escape. For it will endanger everything. And so it must be kept in check – behind bars – and in chains. He passes. The heart looks. And longs. This is war. The heart no longer coys but fights the raging battle within. Yet the mind is stronger. The will more powerful. Heart must not escape. Mind must win. It’s a dangerous precipe. Which one must survive.

Challenges

Life challenges us in many different ways. Life throws us curve balls that we either avoid, catch or hit us square in the face. Life throws us bombs that could either make or break us. It’s just the way life was designed – a constant barge of challenges which depending on our disposition we can take positively or negatively.

I am an optimist to the point of surreal idealism. And so I view every single challenge as an opportunity to learn, to improve and to become better.

I’ve been challenged in various aspects of life – work/career, finances, spiritual, family and love. But of all these things, the biggest and most daunting yet may be in love.

I have my own battle scars from the “war” raged with love. War might be a too pessimistic term so let me mellow it down to fight. My fight with love has left me scarred – battered – yet willing to keep fighting. I haven’t succeeded I’m afraid but the fight is far from over. I have a lot to learn so it seems.

I’ve been in love to the point of foolishness and irrationality. Physical bruises, hurtful words and emotional blackmail are no match for the love I felt. Thankfully, I had enough sense to wake up to reality. I’ve been in love to the point of cold rationality. But love without the heart loses all excitement and ceases to be love.

Apparently, I need to learn the balance.

But this struggle (more mellow term) I’m in right now is frankly, in my books, the worst ever. After clearly denying, I am now forced into admitting. But admission is the first sign of victory. For where there is admission, there is acknowledgement of the issue and the resolution soon becomes easier to follow. 

Lord – I depend on you to win this battle. 

A Silent Ode to You

 

You do not know

And you will never know

That I have this ‘thing’ for you

Ever since I saw the inner you.

But circumstances won’t allow

And the timing isn’t right

For there to be a me & you.

And so I resign

To just be a friend

A friend close enough to be a brother

A friend close enough to be a sister

For friendships are better

Than commitments

For friendships last while commitments often don’t.

The Science of a Broken Heart

Having just gotten out of a fairly good relationship and experiencing the proverbial heartbreak, I resolved to research and find out why – even when the breakup is seemingly smooth – does one feel one’s heart break.

There is this acute pain in my chest that I feel every now and then which produces a dull ache. The sensation is that of a constricted heart cognizant of a heart attack (I believe as I haven’t really experienced one).

So being a scientist specializing in the life sciences, I went on a quest for the rational answer. And Google didn’t fail me. The most easy-to-understand video I got was this:

The video is pretty much self-explanatory. It states how, scientifically, a heart can be broken and what is the necessary cure. The actual illness due to a broken heart is called takotsubo cardiomyopathy and there are accounts of people who have died of one.

In fact, the biggest death of a broken heart is none other than Jesus Christ himself. Jesus, after being nailed on the cross, did not die due to excessive bleeding or punctured lungs. He died of a broken heart. After absorbing all the sins of the world, God the Father had no choice but to abandon Him for He was abhorrent to His eyes. And so, Jesus, who was without sin and became sin, and who had no other than love for mankind, suffered a broken heart.

It’s like He loves us so much but we fail to reciprocate it – hurts right? That was what He felt. His heart literally broke and that is why when the soldier pierced His side, water spilled out.

Yes I feel the pain. It is acute. It is, for lack of better words, painful. But definitely, it is none compared to the pain my Lord Jesus felt when He died on the cross. And for this, I know He knows how I feel and He can relate to me.

The pain is there but it is not the end. In fact, there is joy deep in my heart. For I am excited to know how the next chapter of my life will unfold.

Facebook Status Single

Madaling pumasok sa isang relasyon. Mahirap lumabas.
Madaling magpalit ng status from single to it’s a relationship.
Mahirap bumalik.
Lahat ng bagay pinagdedesisyonan. Lahat ng bagay pinagiisipan.
Mabilis o mabagal
Mahirap o madali
Lahat ng ating ginagawa ay napag at pinagiisipan.
Ganun din sa pag-ibig. Ito’y iniisip at nararamdaman. Ito’y hinahanap at natatagpuan. Ito’y pinaplano ngunit madalas nambibigla.
Ikinabigla ko ang iyong pagdating. Sa aking mundo na hindi umaasa, hindi naghahanap, hindi nananalig. Biglang bigla ng kumatok ang pag-ibig sa aking puso isang taon na ang nakakaraan. At gaya ng madami kong pag-ibig hinangad ko ang panghabangbuhay. Hinangad ko na ito na sa wakas.
Subalit kahit ano mang pagpaplano ang ating gawin may mga bagay na hindi natin maasahan o kahit nanaisin. Hindi ko inakala na simbilis ng pagpasok ng pag-ibig ay simbilis din itong magpapaalam. Hindi ko inakala na isang taon lng ang itatagal ng ating hinangad na panghabambuhay.
Mapait at masakit. Wala naman ang may gusto ng hiwalayan. Subalit ang katotohanan ay di maikakaila. Natapos na ang yugto sa ating buhay – ang yugto na tayo’y magkasama.
Sadyang ganito talaga ang takbo ng buhay. Naisin man natin na lumawak pa subalit hanggang dito na lang sya.
Sabi mo nga – don’t cry because it’s over rather smile because it happened. So despite the pain you won’t see me cry rather I’ll smile my radiant smile thankful for the brief and short time we’ve become one.

 

melodrama

I am being overly melodramatic. I am being overly angst ridden. I need to get this off my chest. I need to devolve. I need to de-evaluate. I need to de-stress.

I can’t focus. I can’t comprehend. Everything is a blur. My mind is a blur. My eyes are threatening to be a blur due to tears.

My breathing is staggered. I can’t breathe! My chest feels like it’s about to explode. As if my heart is breaking right now. As if every fiber of it, every cardiac muscle is tearing apart and beating which it normally and involuntarily does every second is becoming such a chore.

I am at a loss. I am dead. I am NOTHING.

How can it be? The sight of him does this to me? How can it be? That I cannot for long stay focused.

I feel like I need a cigarette. If I were a smoker, I’d appreciate a puff. Sadly I am not.

Yet how do I calm this raging thing inside of me. How do I calm all my senses. Oh God help me.

The root cause is so stupid.

Sometimes I think he doesn’t love me at all for him to be angry at such small insane details. Whilst I always hold my temper, forgive all his faults, he on the other hand gets angry at every little single thing. I have never rant and raved about his faults but he has always had about mine. I had been always kind not to point out the things I so blatantly hate or not like about him. I have never called him names. Yet he always had called me names.

I had always been kind. Yet my kindness is never enough for him. He demands perfection. If God can so love an imperfect me, how come he cannot?

He doesn’t love me. That’s the very logic of it. He says he does, but he doesn’t really.

And I need to stop expecting.

a love post

andito ako. nag aantay. andun sya. nag jjam. anong hinhintay ko? ang text nya. ang tawag nya. magkatext at magkatawagan kasi kami. kung hindi lang sya inaya ng mga kaberks nya na lumabas. bakit ako nagttiyaga na magantay ng ganito? kasi mahal ko sya. kasi naiintindihan ko sya. pero minsan naitatanong ko rin sa sarili ko. tama ba to? o sadyang ka-martyr-an lang?

at dahil wala na akong ibang kasama pa, ikaw na aking blog ang pinagbuntong hiningahan ko na lang. lampas alas dose na ng gabi. madaling araw na kung tutuusin. dapat natutulog na ako. pero eto magbblog para wag antukin. magkatext kasi kami. sya kasi nag request na wag muna ako matulog. pano kung sabihin ko na matutulog na ako at awayin ko sya? hindi ko rin kaya. ako rin ang mapipilitan humingi ng dispensa sa huli at unawain na lang sya.

ang lungkot. kasi masaya naman kami kung tutuusin subalit bakit sadyang may mga pagkakataon na hindi lang talaga nya maintindihan o magawan ng paraan na maging maayos? madaming beses pakiramdam ko ako at ako na lang ang uunawa at mag aadjust. tapos pag naiparating ko to sa kanya, sya ang may gana na magsabi na “eh di wag. iwan mo na ako.” at ako naman ang hindi kakayanin yun at sadyang babalik sa kanya.

pero minsan naisip ko na tama ba? na trinatrato nya ako ng ganito? tama ba? na ganito kung pano ako haharap sa mundo na sinasabing ako ay umiibig at iniibig? ganito ba ang pag-ibig?

hindi ko daw sya sinuportahan. kasi mas pinili ko daw ang death anniversary celebration ng lolo ko kaysa samahan sya kung kelan down na down sya sa trabaho nya. kasama ko naman sya sa unang mga oras ah. sabay naman kami naghapunan at dininig ko ang daing nya at sinabi ang nasa isip ko. ipinarating ko naman sa kanya na kung hindi lang ako sinabihan ng nanay ko na umuwi na ay pipiliin ko parin na damayan sya. inalok ko naman sya na sa bahay muna namin tumambay dahil sasaglit lang ako sa death anniv. imbitasyon na tinangihan nya.

bakit minsan pakiramdam ko ako na lang ang kailangang gumawa ng lahat? pakiramdam ko ang mga efforts ko hindi naman napapansin bagkus natatabunan pa ng mga maliit na pagkukulang na kung tutuusin ay hindi pagkukulang kundi limitasyon na inimpose ng environment sa akin? minsan naiisip ko ang daya naman. ako na ang lagi umiitindi. ok lang naman sakin yun pero sana ma appreciate, sana mapansin at wag na akong makarining pa ng kung anu anung komento na hindi ko naman sya minahal kasi hindi ko naman sya kayang damayan.

nasasaktan sya? nasasaktan din ako. bakit ganito? bakit?

ang tinutugtog pa ngaun ng winamp ay: should i give up? or should i keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere?

is this relationship leading nowhere? i promise pa naman that i will remain true and committed to him and this relationship. but i cannot let it work one way. relationships doesn’t work one way.

minsan sumasagi sa isip ko.. ayoko na. ang hirap naman nito. parang ang daya daya. pwede bang back out na? pwede bang wag na lang. ako na lang. sarili ko na lang at ang blog ko at ang Dyos. tama na tong kahibangan na to.

bakit ako? ang lawak ng pagintindi ko. bakit sa kanya ang kitid? bakit hindi nya maintindihan ang limitasyon ko. ginugusto ko naman damayan sya pero sadyang hindi pwede. tapos dahil dun balewala na lahat. balewala na ang mga emails na basta basta ko sinusulat para sa kanya, ang mga pinapagawa nyang signages na kahit sa oras ng trabaho pilit kong gagawin.

sigh.

mahal kita (deleted). kung alam mo lang kung gano ka grabe.