in fear of judgement

Do you ever catch yourself telling others you don’t care what they think about you?

I do.

I have told myself time and again that it doesn’t really matter what others say about me. I even went so far as to say that it doesn’t even matter what I think about myself. All that matters is how God looks at me (this is something I’ve learned in church quite recently).

Hindi mahalaga ano ang tingin sayo ng iba. Hindi mahalaga ano ang tingin mo sa sarili mo. Ang mahalaga ano ang tingin ni Lord sayo – Beloved.

But despite that the above statements are true, it is also true that as human beings we care a lot about what others say. Other’s opinion about who we are, what we like, what we do and what we choose means a lot to us – even if we try to deny it.

While it’s true that what others think doesn’t matter, the reality is that what others think – be they strangers – impact us a lot.

I do not propose any cure for this reality. It has bitten me in the face many times despite my self-proclaimed non-chalance about what others think. While I really cannot care any less what they say, deep down, I still do.

No wonder I have this bouts of censorship for whatever I post here. It’s kind of schizophrenic if you think about it. I post – in a vain attempt to get my thoughts out in the forlorn hope that others would find it engaging or care. Yet when someone does nose around and read them, I back down – afraid of what they will discover from the depths of my mind and soul. It’s an irony I live with.

And yet, despite all these paradox and imperfections I deal with every day, there is still a glimmer of hope; a source of joy. Knowing where I stand with God and how deep and wide His love is for me, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what they think or what I think.

They can judge me for all they want. They can accept me or reject me. I can hide from their judgment; I can choose to care or not care at all.

Yet the truth will never fail. That He loves me – for who I am. Sin and all. He loves me at my worst; He loves me at my best. Present tense.

Jesus loves me – and that is all that matters.

Author: elleica

Jesus Lover. Writer. Blogger. Biologist turned marketer. Child of Learning. Thrill Seeker. I long for my next adventure.

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