I’m here again. Feeling burnt out. Feeling despondent. Feeling tired and cheerless. Once more work lost its luster. And I am left at the mercy of the treadmill of routine.
Though nothing is routine with what I do. And I receive some challenges or the promise of it but the sadness still remains. It’s like a raw feeling deep in me. A big hole that cannot be quenched by anything.
I yearn to move forward once more. Do something else. Have a new environment. Prior I thought it was simply the lack of pressurized and challenging work that was killing me. The thought that I have so many idle time at my hands and I am not pressured to do anything. But now I know it is much more. The work environment doesn’t suit me just as well. I am not happy. There is nothing inspiring for me to go to work anymore. Nothing motivational.
I feel like a robot switched on – reluctantly – in the morning. And switched off – gratefully – in the evening. I feel drained and strained. I feel like I am not living the life I can live.
I feel like I want to soar higher. Go further. And reap rewards that right now I can only dream about. I can only dream and wish for. I want to fly.
I feel stifled. Caged. Chained. Subdued.
I long to move forward to stranger tides, more dangerous waters.
I thought I could give it up – the visions I have planted in my mission board. I thought I could give it up – the dreams I’ve had in replacement of a more simpler dream. But now, that is not enough.
Now, I am still unhappy. And I know, at this point, for me to live a life of no regrets, I must reach that. Get that. What I have aimed and aspired for. What I have envisioned. And maybe then, I will be able to receive the peace and contentment I no longer have now.
(Though I acknowledge that a relationship with the Lord should address every hole in our hearts, I must also confess that right now I have none of that. It is dangerously thin, if even existent).
I know I can do more. I know I can achieve more. I want to fly further and gain more.
I want to apply and be part of the company I admire the most – GMA 7. It’s media. It’s an inside look at the world I’ve always wanted. Plus, it’s near UPD!!! I can live right at Krus Na Ligas for starters. Perhaps the same old boarding house I once lived at. Then if I got the money look for an apartment in Teacher’s Village or a condo in Kamuning or Tomas Morato area. It’s near the place! I want to be there. At GMA 7.
Perhaps I should really tell him. And my boss too.