I am being overly melodramatic. I am being overly angst ridden. I need to get this off my chest. I need to devolve. I need to de-evaluate. I need to de-stress.
I can’t focus. I can’t comprehend. Everything is a blur. My mind is a blur. My eyes are threatening to be a blur due to tears.
My breathing is staggered. I can’t breathe! My chest feels like it’s about to explode. As if my heart is breaking right now. As if every fiber of it, every cardiac muscle is tearing apart and beating which it normally and involuntarily does every second is becoming such a chore.
I am at a loss. I am dead. I am NOTHING.
How can it be? The sight of him does this to me? How can it be? That I cannot for long stay focused.
I feel like I need a cigarette. If I were a smoker, I’d appreciate a puff. Sadly I am not.
Yet how do I calm this raging thing inside of me. How do I calm all my senses. Oh God help me.
The root cause is so stupid.
Sometimes I think he doesn’t love me at all for him to be angry at such small insane details. Whilst I always hold my temper, forgive all his faults, he on the other hand gets angry at every little single thing. I have never rant and raved about his faults but he has always had about mine. I had been always kind not to point out the things I so blatantly hate or not like about him. I have never called him names. Yet he always had called me names.
I had always been kind. Yet my kindness is never enough for him. He demands perfection. If God can so love an imperfect me, how come he cannot?
He doesn’t love me. That’s the very logic of it. He says he does, but he doesn’t really.
And I need to stop expecting.