missing you

I do miss blogging. I looked at the posts featured on my front page and I can see that the posts from last year are still there. About a year ago, the posts of last week would not even appear on the front page for so long. But now, I regret to say, that the freedom of time to blog has been robbed from me, not because I don’t like to blog anymore but rather because I can’t blog anymore. Time constraints are always the largest culprit but beyond that, I am now in a position wherein I understand fully the dangers of maintaining a very public blog which can be traced back to me.

I have always been honest about what I write; fearless in my views and stands. More than the upcoming elections, there are more reason for me to sift through what I write, filter what I express. My job now allows me to become privy to a lot of confidential information that I cannot divulge and being an active blogger, I must watch what I write for I may accidentally say something – some grievance perhaps or some word of praise that will be better released at a more appropriate time. So for the readers that I have (if there are any) forgive me for not updating my blog. I chose not to close it down, as some I know have professed to do to their blogs once they deemed their scheds would become hectic but only to go back to blogging (if you’re reading this, you may be able to relate.. peace!). But I feel aversive to shut down my blog, I did have some great posts back then (am I being conceited?). Hehe.

Hmm. Suffice to say, I miss blogging. Perhaps I will somehow get back to it. Sift through what I can write. Still voice out personal opinions on my political views (I don’t think I will get shot for expressing them, aight?). Or perhaps I could still write about other aspects of my life, there are other categories present here. But as for the bigger chunk of my life right now, that is my work, I would have to remain mum about it.

So moving forward (did you think I was stopping already?), there are certain noteworthy things worth mentioning in my life outside of work. For weeks, even months, work has been the premier item that has occupied my time and mind but now there are other things worth mentioning.

Hmm. I know. There should be another more important thing occupying my life right now. A relationship I have been neglecting for who knows how long. I know at times I try to communicate, but I know it is not in the same degree as before. For some weeks back, I thought I would be going back. To the place where our relationship had bloomed and made leaps and bounds and I depended on that chance to rekindle what I have with Him. But now I am still here, far from where we started, and I know I must rekindle what I have with Him, what is left of it I guess. Gosh. I do miss Him terribly. And I am still, I’m afraid, in the same position as I was a year ago, perhaps a step or two closer but still farther than where I was years and years ago. (for the other he who I know will be reading this, I hope you know who is the He I am talking about here. I did tell you that what I have is a relationship, not a religion, and as such it is still subject to what every normal human relationship goes through. Just so you know before you start thinking about other things else.)

So now, (transition), having made that small disclaimer in parenthesis, the other he will be the next subject of discussion. Maybe not exactly the person but rather the circumstances I now find myself in.

Love. Commitment. Relationships. I had such high words for these things before. Almost made me sound like some counseling book perhaps. I know though that experience wise, I am almost near the bottom mark but knowledge wise I rank high. Yet in life, we are not all books, not all knowledge but also experiential. Not to say that I went out there and got myself some experience to compliment my book knowledge, no, but rather, experience found me. Cliche, but it is true. All this things that I have developed truckloads of theories in the past, came knocking at my door. Challenging me to put my well-formulated theories into practice. Along the way, of course I have seen that some of these theories need polishing, some even needed to be abolished, but then everything is a work in progress. Right? I know I have left my blog hanging as to the last forage I have in this field. It was just too painful for me to admit it at that time – that I have failed, yet again perhaps. I had all this grand talk of finally finding the one despite the negativity I faced at home. I announced to everyone that I had found him – the one I would be with for the rest of my life. I put a lot of thought in the whole process, of whether he would be worth the time and emotions and everything. I even fought for him with my family. And then look where it got me – nowhere! So much time, energy and emotions wasted. But then, as I was saying way back then, it was a risk I was willing to take. Yes, there was the other side to the coin but then who wanted to look at the other side right?

In any case, I feel like I am in again, almost the same position. Of course thankfully this next person is someone I met flesh and blood. Not some random online stranger like the last two have been. And in due fairness, there are mutual friends to attest to his credibility so I am not banking my decision on something only I have seen. But then, I feel that unlike before, I would have to take everything much much slower this time. I mean, yes, I did put time limits for myself (the eggs.. the eggs.. haha), but I also know that I would rather be slow and sure than be fast and sorry (again) in the end.

Forgive me, blog and readers, for I haven’t said anything about the end of that last relationship that I had written so candidly about at the start. I was ashamed to say it ended when the way I had written about it was like it was the end of a long search for the lifetime partner. I was ashamed to admit I had failed when I had sought the advice of so many people about the entire matter. My ego cannot take it. But then, there is a time for humility and I guess this is it. Thank goodness I was able to change my relationship status in FB back to single, just that I removed it from the news feed. My reluctance to announce that we were done for was not because I was still hung up on the person. No, once I determined that I could not really love him for reasons I have yet to state, all feelings that I have for him flew out the window. It was more of pride that I was reluctant to make the announcement. More of shame on my part. Sometimes I feel like that shame would haunt me, but then, I figure that the decision is ultimately up to myself. I could decide to let some past haunt me and make me cower in fear, or I can decide to take it with a grain of salt and move forward, learning from experience.

So I stood up, brushed my knee, acknowledged I fell and let the wounds heal in time. Wounds, not because of a broken heart, but a broken ego. Sometimes I wonder, am I really the ice princess? Seeing how methodical my ways with emotions are. Nah. I must be really just a big chunk of cognitive persona.

So this is it for now. I guess. I look forward to knowing this person more as the days pass and seeing where everything will go. And as I have learned about my recent experience with my work, you really cannot plan everything. I never imagined I would land this job I now have, much less with this company and in this place. I had fixed plans before, now I really don’t have them anymore. So I guess, the same with the field of love, relationships and commitments, I would just let the wind blow and see where it would lead me. Now, I guess I am fully letting Him take reign of my life, not trying to force my own will into it. But then, I still miss what we have in the past and hope very much to regain what was lost.

Author: elleica

Jesus Lover. Writer. Blogger. Biologist turned marketer. Child of Learning. Thrill Seeker. I long for my next adventure.

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