musings during a sleepless night

I have had the privilege of being a finalist to the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards. Although it was true that I nominated myself to the Best Personal Blog category, still the judges were the ones who deemed my blog worthy of being part of the Top 20 to be considered for the final prize. Although I didn’t win the place, I am still proud for being considered alongside such great blogs as Jim Paredes’s blog, Writing on Air, which was also the winner of the said category. For me, this is a great honor since I‘ve never really written for anything save for myself. Writing blogs for me is my way of releasing stress and tension that would otherwise build up inside of me. Ninety percent of my posts are all about me and my world – selfish if you may call it. The only posts that I write that are, in my opinion, written for information’s sake are those posted under the CURRENT AFFAIRS category. Those are my opinions on what is happening in our society – be it national or international.

Yet most of what I write are actually rants about my hopelessly dry love life, my dissatisfying job and my seemingly dim perspective in life. Seldom do you find posts wherein I actually give an optimistic view about the world I move in. Something so unlike myself really considering the fact that I’ve always been an optimist. Yet reality sinks in and gets the better of us and we learn to see the world without rose-tinted glasses.

Of course I hope to get out of this doldrums. A renewal of my First Love ought to do the trick. I have always been optimistic when I was with Him – seeing the world with all its imperfections yet believing the goodness in each and every situation, person and circumstance. I long to get back to that good old self or maybe I long to find and repair my rose-tinted glasses, wherever I may have placed them.

Reality, as I see it is harsh. Too harsh really.

Today, after dinner I cannot help but cry. In the course of my training as an MT, and even in the words of the HR manager to me, I am really a pretty much skilled person. Without so much except my Bio degree for a background in a job in the medical field, I am able to excel and surpass even those with backgrounds and educations on this field. Without even resorting to cheating, as most of them do, I am able to extract from stock knowledge and common sense forged years ago answers to daily exams so I could pass them – not really with passing colors but rather with acceptable marks. Slowly I can see that I am skilled. I am good, if not great and I say it not with pride or bragging but with honesty on my part.

I can see that I can really get any job my heart so desires. I even have the courage to pursue what I want and the skills and aptitude to learn how to acquire it. Yet the downside to all this seemingly idealistic qualities is that the truth of my compensation hurts even more. The pain forged in my heart runs deeper than for most. The cut is sharper. Everything is more painful. I get to see how much I could actually be worth – how much I should really be earning.

Being part of the workforce is selling yourself. You have your skills, experience and expertise as your commodity. You sell it to the highest bidder. Yet in a society wherein unemployment is the common trend after graduation (or becoming a call center agent), job seekers are left with no choice but to accept whatever a company dictates for their skills. It is no longer the applicant who dictates the amount he or she is worth but rather the employer who determines the salary to be paid based on the contingency measures of the company. As such we become slaves to this degrading society wherein to cope with the effects of regression, multinational companies must search for cheaper labor force but greater quality. And since we face the more garish alternative of becoming hungry due to unemployment, we sacrifice the salary we are supposed to get for whatever it is they are willing to offer. We are slaves in our own countries – skilled yet severely underpaid.

And I lament such depressing turn of events in my life. I am finally in a job I enjoy – I learn everyday and I revel in the knowledge I gain yet when I think of how much I’ll earn, I lose heart and can’t help but regret over the higher salary I was already earning in my otherwise brain demeaning job.

They say in life you cannot have it all, but I beg to disagree. Someday I will have both. For it is written, just as it was promised long ago that the plans He had for me were plans to prosper me and not to harm me; plans to give me hope and a future. And I cling to that.

Finally I can sleep.

Author: elleica

Jesus Lover. Writer. Blogger. Biologist turned marketer. Child of Learning. Thrill Seeker. I long for my next adventure.

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