I signed my regularization papers today. For all my talk about boredom, disillusionment and dissatisfaction I still managed to last 6 months in the job enough to be regularized. And it wasn’t a bad 6 months because I managed to earn a score that would allow me a 15% salary increase – not the maximum increase possible though.
When I saw the paper, and the amount of my increase, I was tempted not to sign it. I couldn’t bear in my heart to accept what was written. My eyes had tears – not of delight but of disappointment. I remember the time when I was almost finished with school; I told my roommates that when I apply for a job I would not settle for a gross salary less than Php15, 000. Well I was idealistic then and I was in Manila. I believed that I was worth that much and I could earn that much. (How ironic when I had already experienced a work where I could earn a monthly way, way higher than Php15K. But that is another story.)
Things and circumstances have changed then. I am now working in the provinces, in a job that is supposedly high-paying but is actually not, and with a salary that even with the 15% increase would still take about 2 months to become Php15K. A far cry from my expectations right?
Of course I don’t really mind the small salary (most of the times) because I’m living with my parents and as such I have no solid obligations like rent and lodging, unlike when I was living independently back in my college days. My only obligations now are the DSL bill and the wants of my siblings, the latter of which is optional, subject to my goodwill. But one always have a sort of life one wants to lead and time will come when I will venture out in the world once more – again an independent soul. When that time comes I’m afraid my salary may not be at par.
My mom reprimanded me for having such high expectations. I should have lowered my expectations in life and in work so as not to be gravely disappointed. A friend also told me that I am too idealistic and have too high expectations of things and that I should change that – be more pragmatic and lower my expectations in life. I countered, “So I should lower my standards then.” He said not the standards, just the expectations. But aren’t they the same? Don’t you have high expectations because you have high standards? One of the things I’ve learned in life is one should expect the best of a person always, so that one would live up to that expectation and thus perform at his best. Doesn’t that translate to life or situations as well?
I do not deny that I have high expectations for myself and my life. Just as I have high hopes and dreams. I do not want to settle for something less than that. I know my capacity and what I can do or achieve. I cannot rest if I know that I am not fully taking advantage of what I have or who I am. I will forever yearn to make the most of myself always. I cannot settle for mediocrity.
Now do you blame me for resigning from this job when everyone seems to be telling me to stay put for practicality’s sake? If I stay, say another 6 months, I believe that by then I would have been reduced to mediocrity. All the fire within me will have been extinguished and I may be reduced to living a sub-standard life with no passion or flame or desire for the stars.
I will not let that happen.