I’m in my station. Wala na akong work. But since there is no other means to do what I want to do, what I need to do, here I am taking advantage of the resources offered. I just hope I don’t get caught or reprimanded.
How can it be that in the span of less than 6 months, people living in far off geos have become my friend? And not just acquaintances but close friends who know all the twists and turns of my current emotional state of mind. I guess I have a knack of having anyone whom I can talk to on a regular basis, become my close friend.
And so I found myself two nice friends, from a land 10 hours from where I am, and whose faces I’ve never glimpsed at apart from online photos and whose voices I’ve never heard apart from one or two instances over the phone – and it was all business we talked about at that time.
So how come they are my friends now and I feel so – I’m surprised at the word – scared to lose both of them? How come that a sudden whisper of a misunderstanding, a sudden glimmer of havoc, had caused me so much pain that my eyes watered, my heart constricted and my train of thoughts became muddled?
How come that it is so probable that I will never ever meet them in my lifetime, never ever really be part of their physical lives, but yet still hold them dear and close to my heart? How come I am scared of losing them?
I tell myself, I will be leaving this company in 4 months time at the least. Hopefully the New Year will find me in a different company, a different line of work, a different career. When that time comes, all regular communications to them would most probably stop. Without constant communication there will be no friendship. Close friendship that is.
And time will continue pushing us further apart until everything is just a distant blur of a memory. And the close friendship has been reduced to just casual acquaintance.
That is what will probably happen. How things will most probably end. Much as I don’t want things to end that way, but then I suppose that is reality.
And given that reality why should I even care so much? Hurt so much? Delight so much? Why waste a whole busload of emotions on this?
Guess I’m not really made of ice after all.