pursuing a life long dream

Sa wakas dumating na rin ang kuryente. Akal a ko magtitiyaga na ako sa papel at ballpen para magsulat ng mga ideyang paulit-ulit na kumikiliti sa utak ko. Natapos ko pa lang basahin ang Stainless Longganisa ni Bob Ong, and more than ever, I have been greatlly inspired to write.

Although it’s true that Bob Ong’s style of writing has got me into thinking about my own style of writing and made me sort of try to alter my style, still at the end of the day, and at the end of his book, he still points out that each and every writer has his own style and that style is critical if one seriously wants to be a writer.

At kahit na proud to be Pinoy ako, at kahit na sandamakmak ng discussions ang pinagdaanan ko sa Filipino 40 class ko kung saan importante ang paggamit ng sariling wika bilang pagpapahalaga sa pagiging isang mamamayan ng isang bansa, still, I am more comfortable expressing my thoughts in English and I do not believe that I have to be judged more severely about my loyalty or love for my country just because I’ve decided to use a language foreign to my land.

Neither do I believe that less people will understand me, in this age of globalization, if I speak or write in English. And so, here I am, venturing forth in this world of written thoughts, ready to fulfill a life-long dream.

Syempre sa mga susunod na araw, expected na na ang pagsusulat ko ay mag-papalit palit sa Tagalog at English. At nakakahiya man o masakit man basahin pero magiging Taglish talaga kalimitan sa kanila. Sadyang ganito ang impluwensya sakin ng mga nababasa ko na libro. Nagkataon na nabasa ko palang ang Tagalog  na gawa  ni Bob Ong kaya ang mga ideya sa aking isipan ay nasa Tagalog din. Subalit darating din ako sa punto na mahihirapan na ako magsulat, o hindi ko na makakaya i-express ang nais kong sabihin sa Tagalog, or more appropriately sa Pilipino, kaya babalik na ako sa Ingles.

Nakakalungkot isipin. Pilipino ako pero mas komportable ako sa wikang banyaga. Nakakalungkot pero totoo. Ito ang produkto ng pagkahumaling sa mga librong banyaga dahil kokonti lang ang nakita kong magandang librong Pilipino na sa Pilipino nakasulat, sa English Only Policy sa eskwelahan nung elementary kung saan may fine ang hindi magsalita ng English at sa call center na trabaho ko ngayon kung saan kahit Pinoy na ang kakausapin eh dapat English pa rin. Pinoy ako pero banyaga ang salita ko. Mapapaisip ka na tuloy, sino ba ang Pinoy?

Pinoy ba ang taong nagsasabi na mahal nya ang Pilipinas pero stateside ang pananalita, pananamit at pamumuhay? Pinoy ba ang taong Pinoy na Pinoy ang pamumuhay, yun nga lang ay sa ibang bansa sya namumuhay? Pinoy ba maituturing ang isang banyaga na minahal ang Pilipinas, ang kultura at iba’t iba pang aspeto nito, na parang sariling kanya? Sino nga ba ang Pinoy? In the light of globalization, it is really hard to tell.

At ngayon na nagising na muli ng buong puso ang mga ideya na nangungulit sa aking isipan, hindi ko na sila maitatangi o maisasantabi pa. Syempre matagal pang panahon bago ako maging ganap na manunulat. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung makakahanap ako ng publisher, let alone write something worthy to be published for. For all my drive and passion to write, I still have my petty insecurities. Keyso hindi ako papasa sa mga editors, or hindi makabuluhan ang mga sinusulat ko or matagal na itong nasulat din ng iba. I still lack confidence when it comes to publishing my works, even if I constantly rave about how I want to see my works published. I guess not really having the formal education of a writer made me lose all self-confidence on that aspect. So for the next months or years, my blogs will serve as my writing outlets and the trickle of visitors, whether they really read my articles or not, my faithful readers.

It’s sad though because I’ve always thought of my life to be that of a writer. Having time as my own. Not being tied to a daily 8-5 hour job. Working when inspiration hits me. Of course it’s all very risky, just as risky, e ven more than being an entrepreneur (my second preferred career). But then even before I dream of something, I always count the risks and make sure that I am utmostly prepared to face them.

Well now, I can see that it is never too late to pursue a dream. It is never too late to be what you want to be in life. I mean, si Bob Ong nga, late na naging writer based sa kwento nya. And if he can do it, why can’t I? Although of course, I wouldn’t quit my regular job just yet. I know the time will come for that but it is not yet  now.

And so I guess my blog will have more entries to look for in the upcoming days. Whether or not I get to make a book out of it, or if I end up in some paper’s opinion columns because of it, I can only wish and pray for.

Author: elleica

Jesus Lover. Writer. Blogger. Biologist turned marketer. Child of Learning. Thrill Seeker. I long for my next adventure.

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