for you

Because I cannot speak to you
For my mind will not allow me to do so
For rational thinking won’t allow me to
I would simply blog about what I want to say
The words I cannot speak to you
The world would know

I say this not for your sake but for mine
For to keep so much bottled emotions won’t be healthy
To have so much inside would just zap my energy
And I might be left senseless and broken
If I do not learn to rise up from this

Funny how people write personal items in their diaries
Items which are for them so private that it is only for their eyes to see
What glitch do I have in my body that makes me want to publish
The thoughts which are suppose to be for my eyes only?

Yet here I am telling the world about me
Unafraid. Uncaring. Apathetic
As to what the world would say.

I must be reckless, doing this; risking exposure
I must be brave, doing this; knowing I could always stand up for myself
Or I must be plain stupid.

Do you have any idea how much self-control it took me not to talk to you?
When you suddenly disappeared I feared something bad happened to you
It took me all my willpower not to seek you out and find out what happened
You see I think that for the small window of time I’ve known you I cared for you even just a bit
For that small window of time I’ve known you, you’ve managed to make some small imprint in my system

I cannot quite imagine how I would spend my days without you to talk to
I cannot quite imagine how I’ll alleviate my boredom without you by my side
I cannot quite imagine my world without you in it

But I know I must continue; I must move on
This episode in my life, might have made me look stupid or gullible or fragile or whatever
But I know that I would emerge a better person after this

I might have been stupid to believe that I would really mean something.
For you such words always come easy – you have no qualms telling them to someone
For me such words are precious – I rarely hear them for I am always aloof from those who could provide them

Sometimes I hate the fact that you told me such words
When you most probably knew the impact they’ll have on me
Sometimes I hate the fact that the words probably meant something simpler
Than what I have affixed them
Than what I have made them out to be

I hate it that I am compelled to remember such nice memories
Then in less than a second, the nice memories would become worst than a nightmare
I hate it that my quiet emotional balance had been thrown off guard by your words
And now, I am yet at their mercy – anxious when they would next strike

Yet for all this madness and pain
I know my mind will find an escape
I would soon be able to relegate this to a deep recess of my mind
To be forgotten to oblivion

I do not still know if we would really be friends
I think I lied when I said that the guys I’ve encountered who were like you became my best guy friends
I have come to realize that my best guy friends, though they have somewhat similar scenarios like yours
Didn’t had an attitude like yours
I felt the sincerity of their words when they told me that I was special to them
That even though we didn’t end up together, I knew that at a point in time, no matter how brief
I actually occupied a portion of their hearts
Our days of bliss where pure
Untainted by complications and questions of what if and what could have been
Things just didn’t work out for us
And so we had to part ways as lovers, only to be rejoined as friends

I do not know if the same will be true for you
For I will forever be under the impression that I was just one of the girls to you
One of the girls who were stupid or gullible enough to believe your words

I am harsh
Yet this is brutal honesty
I am honest to the point that it hurts

The feeling was good while it lasted
The pain was real when it ended

And I am left to face my misery alone
And thanks to you
My world was overthrown
My carefully shielded and guarded emotions were thrown in shambles

If you derive pleasure from this, so be it
I do not care
I will soon rise from this
Stronger than before I fell

Author: elleica

Jesus Lover. Writer. Blogger. Biologist turned marketer. Child of Learning. Thrill Seeker. I long for my next adventure.

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