Sometimes I think I pretty much know myself – in and out. But then there are instances when I discover that there is still something in me I do not quite understand. For example, why am I embarrassed to face anyone or to be friends with anyone who gives me grades or something.
I know when I was in college, even in high school, that I dread facing my teachers whenever I get a low score or a low grade. Or when I fail to perform as expected. I triply dread the deal more when that teacher happened to be someone whom I knew as a person before I knew of him or her as my teacher – if you get my drift. And the same thing transpired to QA’s and audit scores.
I know that in a workplace everything is professional and nothing is personal. It is just professionalism if a friend, who happens to be your superior as well, will mark you down or give you a low score or a reprimand. It is not a personal issue; it is just a professional matter. Logically, I am aware of this. But then when I got my second failed audit from my QA, I admit that I wasn’t able to face her for days, much less to talk to her. Deep down I was ashamed of myself for failing and meriting such a low score. Of course, this was an opportunity for improvement or learning and I can see it as such (I took to heart my markdowns so I won’t repeat them). But the fact still remains that I was embarrassed to talk to her or even face her and ask her about the audit.
And such was my hesitation when my next QA started becoming my friend. At first I didn’t want to befriend him since I knew he would be one of my QA’s and he would be auditing my calls. For me, it was embarrassing if I make another goof up in a call. Of course, the other side to that was the challenge to always do good in every call so as not to embarrass myself.
Now why would I have such anxieties that even friendships would be sacrificed? The only reason I could see as of now is the fact that I have been raised up with people all around me expecting a lot from me. Being the eldest amongst three, I was constantly reminded to be a model sister. Finding out that I could excel in school, I was always under the constant pressure to prove my performance. Maybe it stemmed from that – the constant pressure to always be at my best because to not do so would mean others’ disappointment.
I remember my ComSci teacher back in high school, he would always appear sad whenever I was not the highest in class, or the fastest to finish a computer program exercise. It was sort of disconcerting to see him that way. And I know that if my classmates didn’t know me any better, they would think that I was really a teacher’s pet. But they know I hated the attention as well. So I guess it boils down to that – the fear to disappoint. Or maybe to be labeled as incompetent. I know it is illogical to think such but it seems there is a part of me that thinks like that.
Hmm…this shows that there are some parts of me that have yet to grow up.