A friend told me that I would just need a clearer perspective of what I have now, that it all boils down to mind over matter, and I would be able to get past this raging depression and disillusionment at work.
For the past days, I have been thinking quite a lot about what I really want to do in my life. I’ve come to realize that I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to get published somehow. And as such, I’ve desperately clinged to my blogs and shamelessly exposed myself to the critical eyes of the unknown public. Yet I know deep down that I would want to explore my skills and love for writing – that I would want to eventually have some kind of formal education on the matter and develop my own style. I yearn for a career in the publishing world.
Of course the circumstances in my lfe has led to something that is far from that dream. I was groomed to be a scientist in high school, took up Biology in college and ended as a software technician for my first job. For my education, I have used the maxim: DO NOT LET YOUR EDUCATION INTERFERE WITH YOUR LEARNING as the excuse for the seemingly far-fetched training for my dream. I clinged on the fact that I was learning important things in life, and although I am not receiving the formal education necessary for my dream, I was learning the necessary life lessons needed for it. I rationalized that formal education could always be remedied by actual learning and experience.
Now I am actually in a job – a part of the real world of young adults and professionals. I am now given the chance to put into practice what I’ve learned, if not my education. I know that I am going by what I’ve learned in my school years – on what all those years of schooling had molded in me to be the person that I am now. I know that only a very small percentage of what I’ve formally studied is being applied to my current life right now.
I am also well aware that young as I am, there is no time for me to waste if I really want to follow my childhood ambition. Sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted enough time already not having a formal education geared at my dream. The question that runs in my head is thus: am I still on the process of learning things about life and is such learning something that is best learned in an environment entirely different from what I really want? Of course I know that learning doesn’t stop but now that I am actually part of the real adult world, must I still learn the facts of life under the premise of something that I don’t really want?
This is the question that is forever bothering me. A question that zaps out all energy and life out of me and my work. Yes I am performing well and I am excelling, even. But the question is: is this what I want? This is practical – the most practical job I could ever have. It does not discriminate the formal education one has had nor does it look if one had really managed to obtain that coveted diploma. I know that in this industry, I am welcomed with wide open arms. I know that in the industry that I want, I would be fighting really hard to get in. I would be facing fierce competition and everything about my credentials, my education and my past are against me. I would only have my attitude, my personality and my skill (which I admit is just that of an amatuer) as my only credentials. After all, why should a publishing house hire an undergrad Biology graduate with basically no experience in professional publishing and whose actual writing experience is limited to that of elementary and high school papers? All odds, as it stands, are against me.
Yet as they said, no one succeeded without braving the odds. How would one knew that the fall would really hurt if one wouldn’t jump? Haha! Wrong philosophy, I know. But you get my point don’t you?
I know the shift won’t be easy. I know that things wouldn’t be as clear cut as I want them to be. I know that there is a huge possibility that I might never make the cut. But I sure as hell want to try! I want to and I think I would risk limb and body to do so.
Of course the pragmatic person in me wouldn’t let go of the security the current job offers me. I guess this is the perspective I need. I’ve been looking for. I’ve been told to look for.
As long as this job would have me, I would ascend its ladders. Even if I do not really look forward to the prospect of getting promoted, I cannot remain Tier 1 forever for a long time. I would eventually grab a promotion for myself. I would continue ascending the ladder, despite the fact that it would only be for practical purposes that I would be doing so. Or I would be somehow half-hearted in doing so.
As I ascend the ladders of this industry that circumstances have thrown me in, I would be in the constant look-out for that oppurtunity to pursue my dream. Maybe a call for contributions in this paper or in this magazine would suffice. Maybe relevant articles printed regularly in my blogs alongside my daily angst entries. Maybe freelance oppurtunities offered by variuos sites in the Internet. Maybe seminars on writing styles and techniques. Maybe exposure to various writing styles of different contemporary authors and columnists. In short, I would continue honing myself in the ambition that I’ve wanted. Pursuing the practical should not mean giving up the ideal. I would eventually find a way to publish myself. To establish myself as a writer. And perhaps the day would come when I would be invited or hired as a contributor to some monthly publication and despite my BPO position, I would still be able to pursue my dream. And when that day eventually comes, the BPO would be the source of income, and the monthly contributions would be the source of fulfillment.
I hope this makes me excited to go to work on a daily basis.
Now given this perspective, what promotion would allow me the most free time or leeway to write my heart out? Hmm..