i’ve just discovered another person’s blog sites, whose entries really got me thinking. i must admit he writes nicely but more than that it seems that his words cut something deep in my soul; my spirit.
i know i’ve been running dry. probably drier than what i really know. i know i’ve been ignoring Him, stubbornly sticking on to this impasse. i know, sooner or later it will end. i know my spirit is longing for the freedom and peace it has experienced, it seems, such a long long time ago. i know only that, only Him, would weather me through this ghastly job i have now.
yet i am so stubborn. sticking on to this plateau and refusing to move forward or backward. it’s nice i’m not budging backwards. but then what if i didn’t really knew that i was slowly, ever so slightly, sliding back? scary thought. i know i would never ever want to lose Him. i love Him too much. yet i know what i’m doing doesn’t attest to that.
oh what do i do to get out of this mire? what do i do to finally convince myself that i need to wake up and take active control of my spiritual life? at this point, i know my spirit is well beaten. it seems to me that no amount of storm could actually budge it. the succession of storms i’ve had i’m afraid were too much for my little spirit to endure.
yet He said that he will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear and that He won’t let us be tested beyond what we can endure. at least that is what i remember. and that is what i believe.
so how come it seems as if i am unable to rouse from all the battle scars the previous wars have inflicted on me? why does it seem that months after the trials have seemingly ended i am still worn and weary of the battle?
could it be i didn’t really fought the battle? that i didn’t really emerge from it victorious? that what i did was to merely let them pass my life, overwhelm me, make me cry, inflict pain on me, then after the battle is over, i’m still unsure what actually happened? could it be that i simply went through the motions of the battle without really stopping and pondering why they happened?
have i missed out on something that’s why it seems as if i’m now so afraid and so unable to rise out of it?