Frustrations setting in. headache pending. Tears threatening to spill. All because of one audit.
I hate this. I hate that I am this affected by one silly failed audit. Back when I was studying, it was OK to fail. I could deal with it. I’ve failed perhaps a hundred times and I’ve survived. I’ve been to the worst possible failure scenarios and I’m still alive. But I guess when you’re working, failing does not seem like an option – not if you have a goal with a deadline. Not if your goal is connected to your survival – literal survival.
I have always been competitive but it is a competition that I set against myself. Human nature would inevitably dictate me to compare myself to others but common sense would prevail and would compel me to simply put myself up against myself. I am my own worst enemy and my toughest competitor.
Sigh. This really gets frustrating that I don’t even know where to begin expressing myself. Before actually placing these emotions and thoughts into writing, I must have had composed a dozen articles about the issue already. And this article is already a new one being composed real time.
The experience made me re-evaluate my goals and even the reason for my existence – what on earth am I here for? Which further emphasized my spiritual dryness – an inevitable thing I know I would need to face one of these days. The experience made me mad at a customer even though the call has long been over – who was she to say she wanted to talk to somebody else who could understand her? F*** she was really speaking fast! And much as I tried to ask her to please repeat she would be so impatient! Thinking back I would have loved to be a smart-ass and tell her, “oh sure go ahead and talk to somebody else. Hang-up now and call back, that would greatly save my AHT!”
*sigh* too much pent up emotions, I could see that now. What has this industry done to me? Is it now eating me alive? I am so bent up trying to perform well. No body sees this but me. No body knows this but me. And who is suffering but me. Why can’t I ever relax? I try to appear calm and nonchalant about everything but deep down I know I worry too much. I compete too much. I pressure myself too much. I’ve always been this wreck. College has removed that I know. Failing so many times in a course I knew wasn’t right for me but which I stubbornly stuck too did that to me.
I couldn’t show my face to my QA today. I was so ashamed of myself for failing. She must have thought I was pissed off at her. Little did she knew I was pissed off at myself.
I do my best in each call. Believe me I do. I’ve even went so far as to start recording in my planner my daily AHT. To be more proactive in watching my AHT status. Now I know I would have to watch my call flow, my adherence to QA advisories. And of course not to mention the all so important OARE/ORE, simply put CSAT or customer satisfaction.
I hope to get out of this loop in 6 months. But for now I must find the courage to enjoy this. To love it. To embrace it. I must find something worthy in it.
And I must learn to chill down.