my head is actually throbbing..i’ve been awake since 4:30am..have endured the grueling commute from my place in LP to my school in QC..i have been subjected to the rigors of the tiresome enrollment..and i’m not sure i could endure more..yet i must..i must..
i still have some hang-ups from the logbook post of our dear org’s shakespeare..face it gal..you can never write as fluidly as him..you have your own individual style..
i really should rest..yet i can’t fathom why i am still in this cyber cafe..typing incessant words to this machine..maybe because i have a few hours to spare..maybe because i want to have a post at least per month and keep this alive..maybe because i simply want to rant..
today i have faced the thing i loved and have come close to losing..i have discovered it formed the core of my life in my school..it was part of me..something i can never part with..no matter how i tried..i miss them..yet i don’t want to see them..why?i dunno..i have no idea..maybe because of the crisis i face now..and because i don’t want to admit it to them..a classic tale of pride..yes..i am a prideful person..a prideful person indeed.
i love my org. yet ‘m afraid that that same love would bring me to ruins. the summer vacation has been more of a retreat for me. a retreat from the busyness of my college life. a time when i came to realize how stupid and erroneous my ways have been. i have indeed been caught up with the sudden freedom. making moves that i didn’t think about. making moves that i didn’t consider the consequences. but i vowed to be a better person. a better man. or woman.
i must put to good use my 4yrs of training in high school. i must reform. yet i’m scared that in the process of reformation i would discover that my org has made me a worse person. i don’t deny the things i’ve learned from it. yet i still can’t fathom how much of my delinquet ways was actually because of it.
i find myself more and more unable to defend my acts to my family..much more to myself. i’m really scared now. afraid to lose the things i most love.
its past nine. past my previous dorm’s curfew. i must leave. i can’t fully guarantee my companion and i’s safety.
i hope this sheds light to my actions this day.