processing

Wait. I have to process things. Process for me, in this context, would be to blog. Blog about this. Yet for once I am at a lost where to begin writing. I keep thinking I have not made an update since the last time and a lot has happened (we had a blackout for 2 days!) and also I keep thinking, another personal post!?! Eck. What would respectable people think of me?

Then, again I am a selfish writer at times. And I need to write to process my emotions.

Love. As always, that is our topic. Why am I so afraid or so wrought up about it? *Shrugs* I really don’t know. That’s why I am writing.

First stop. Today I had to get rid of a really annoying person. I hated how he had been so assuming to think that I would wait for him when there was really no basis for me to do so. Does honestly and a good clean conversation counts as some insurance that I will wait for him. Well, poor him that he had to assume so many things that weren’t really there. I guess next time I should be more careful.

Second. Much as I detest admitting this, and honestly it brings tears to my eyes now that I think of it, there is really a part of me that knows how to flirt or how to play mind games – my own version that is. I have blogged about it earlier before on how flirtatious I sometimes get with a particular so and so person. And how shocked I am about it. Now, with this other person I realize that I could actually carry similar kind of banters. Or almost similar. In any case it was apparent by his confused state of mind that I was confusing him.

Or maybe, things that appeared simple and straightforward to me may not be simple and straightforward to him. Then again, maybe I should leave all other preconceived notions and bad assumptions that I have on this dating game and just approach it with my own spunk. And see where it leads me.

I am rambling. I don’t even have the faintest idea what I am talking about really. Ok so let’s start the tale from the beginning.

Enter this guy. I really didn’t like him at the beginning. To me, he was just one of those so and so guys of which I was beginning to get tired of meeting. I was still hung up on my web developer crush and his apparent lack of interest in me. And then of course there are all this inculcated values deeply embedded in my system that makes me aghast over what I am doing or entering or feeling. So when this guy came, I was less than enthusiastic over his proposal to court me. Neither did his opening lines impress me and initial conversations for me where unimpressive. I only conversed for politeness sake.

And when he learned how learned I was, he actually backed out! So I had no such hopes for him. He wasn’t like the others who swept me out of my feet by their intelligent conversations. Yet his maturity struck me and his adept at life that I must admit I sort of envied the girl he would marry. Obviously, he has well-prepared for her. But then he backed out and I really had no hopes for him.

Yet he persisted. Ironic. He backed out because I was much too intelligent for him and I really didn’t like him because his conversations were not that striking for me. Yet he continued to talk to me. His rationale was that he just can’t help it. And I am ever polite and so accommodated him. Maybe because he was someone I can talk to about my family woes and someone who sympathized with them that I slowly became drawn to his net, so to speak. I would be such a hypocrite if I do not admit that I do not look forward to the times we would talk – however uncertain those times would be. And I would be such a hypocrite if I do not admit that I really wish it in my heart that we would meet – just like he promised when he returns to the country.

But then several things are stopping me from admitting this first hand or telling him that yes, there is really hope for him in my demented heart – and even demented mind.

First, I must consider my Christian vows on TLW. Do not yoke with unbelievers. He must be a Christian first and foremost. Then there goes the next assumption that I would meet him on some church related function. And then the next assumption that right now I am spiritually adrift and as such unworthy to meet my the one. Preconceived notions that are inculcated deep in my brain.

Second, the risk and fear of trickery. I will not deny that I met him online. Not in the chat room, thank God but in facebook. He found me from some common friend we had and added me up. Don’t get me wrong, I do not add strangers to my fb account. I first send them a message asking for their intention as to why they are adding me up: Is it Mafia Wars, Farmville, or any other games? Is it to social network? And after they replied then I add them up. That at least gives them a personality and they cease to be total strangers for me. Well he said he wanted to social network (that is my term for making friends) and since he was playing Mafia Wars and I needed a bigger Mafia so I added him up. And he started talking to me (most do not really) and the rest is history.

The fact that he is what I designate a web friend is something enough to make me cautious. If real life dating or relationships are so tricky, what about those spawned out of the internet. How do I know he is not just playing with me? Then again, I need to ask myself that question. How do I know I am not just playing with him? And so we go back to the pre-requisite of honesty in the relationship. The why on why I am doing this processing.

I want to be honest with him. Much as I want him to be honest with me. Hard as it may seem, he is practically 5 timezones away, still people would benefit from a little honesty even in this overly dishonest world.

Third. The pretense of mystery. They say girls should be mysterious and even play some mind games. Yet again, to me it defects the whole point of honesty. There could be mystery in a lot of different ways I guess. But to me, being honest with one’s emotions and one’s self makes things so much easier and so much better I would be willing to forego mystery if hiding real emotions is what mystery is all about. Afterall, the only mysteries I’ve enjoyed are those on books and TV screens, not real life.

Fourth. I guess I’m really scared to face it all. Scared for my mind and  my heart to meet. Scared for love to really infuse me.

Then again, I know I would have to be honest. Honest I guess to admit that my emotions are being rattled. Or maybe simply honest to admit that he has reason to hope for.

Then again, I do not really know what is the right thing to do. But sometimes, always thinking of the right thing becomes the wrong thing to do.

Process ended.

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Update: My domain is still far from completion. Sigh.