Love. Here we go again. Why can it be such an irrational emotion? Something that makes your world brighter yet at the same time makes your mind scramble for cover? Or is it just me? Maybe it is just me. At the first hint of love on the horizon, my heart flutters and my mind scrambles for cover. As my heart pounds harder for the promise of love, my mind goes into warning mode and stifles my heart. As my heart beats faster at the sight of love, my mind becomes a restraining order that bounds the heart to the point that the heart threatens to explode.
I do feel ashamed of myself. For feeling these emotions so soon and so early. I mean, wtf, there isn’t even any hint of romance in the air. Yet my heart goes on overdrive. It is shameful and embarrassing for me dear reader to have to admit this to you. Yet it is true. My foolish heart always tend to go on overdrive. Not that I really do any concrete action. I never approach the object of my affection and give him my heart in a platter. I am not the type who does that. Rather I sit back and watch. I let things unfold. A picture of utter calm and placidness. I never let the inner turmoil that plague me reach the surface. No one would have guessed lest I let it slip that I like so and so.
Thus in everything, as my heart threatens to explode inside of me, the coolness of my mind prevails. Even as I feel pain in my chest, perhaps again from the overdrive of my heart, the mind still controls the game. I am still calm, collected and composed. Not a hint of emotion.
And when nothing comes out of the object of my affection, when nothing ever happens or when he doesn’t reciprocate the feelings I have kept hidden, then my mind has won yet another battle with my heart. My mind has yet again reminded my heart of the fool I would have become had I exposed myself. Yet it doesn’t shield me from the pain. The heart still feels the pain of rejection; the pain of nothingness. And so I end up hurt and heartbroken none the less. The mind won yet the heart is in pain none the less. Yet my mind considers it a sweeter victory to have won quietly and considers it defeat had I exposed my heart only to be broken.
So there. Right now the state of my heart is again on overdrive. It is again thumping hard and threatening to explode. Yet nothing will get past the barriers my mind has already set. Even before my heart knew what was happening, the mind had already subconsciously improved its defenses. The heart is again barricaded. For now, we must await the turn and flow of events. Enjoy things as they go. If nothing happens, then so be it. Another win for the mind. Another opportunity to be stronger than ever.
Blue sorrow of the mind vs red passion of the heart. – Fushigi Yuugi
