I don’t really know how to start this blog yet there is something I need to write down. Just to get it off my system. Or to dissect it even further. This won’t be an easy post. It is never easy admitting to the world that you have a character flaw. It is never easy admitting your were mistaken. It is even more difficult discussing your weaknesses. But weaknesses would forever remain such if they are not brought out into the open and discussed. No rational solution can be hoped to be achieved if the problem is never discussed. And such, I, once again, make myself vulnerable in the attempt to solve something or at least throw some light into it.
As I enter the corporate world or the working world and leave the predictable life of a student, I am aghast to note that though I have the skills and personality to survive in any corporate setting, I do not have enough of a willpower to do so. Devoid of any real motivation for working, like sending some siblings to school or helping the family out financially (not that we are well-off (we are not) but I am not obliged to help in any way except voluntarily), I find it very easy to become bored with what I do. When I look at my resume, I find that I have a lot of work experiences but none of them even lasted to a year. Not because I was not performing well, in fact I exceeded expectations, but because I became bored with the job and sought something better. Something more exciting.
I know, and I have been told, that I would never last in a routinary job like an office job. I need something that changes constantly and that puts me into pressures that would thrill me. I crave excitement and adventure all the time that a static job would bore me to death.
I am seriously alarmed and aghast to find the prediction coming true. I lose excitement easily. When I was working in the call center, the novelty was great for me. I had so much fun in the beginning. As days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, and the work became repetitive since I’ve mastered almost all of it, I became despondent. I shifted to medical transcription which was really working out all right but the pay and the company policies were questionable and I was forced to get out. I pursued freelance writing which was taxing deadlines piled one on top of the other. But after those weeks were done, I am left with a void. I can go ahead and accept new job offers and enter the same cycle but I dare not. No one wants to suffer another bout of low blood incidents and skin as pale as the Twilight vampires.
And the more alarming thing to all of these, is that I have no plans as to what I want to do next. Yes, I have thought of several options. I know I could really teach college (there have been hints of offers) and I know I could apply at any company I so desire (I am never at a lack for self-confidence and smooth words) but the drive to really make something happen is missing. There is no push, no internal motivation. I lament and I cry that I am like this. My bestfriend said that I have always been a structured person. Back in our high school days, she has known me to always have a plan – even if the first plan backfired, I have a spare. I have also always been full of goals. Goals to accomplish.
But I guess, the shifting around of those goals has left me somewhat goal-less. The goals all appear to be like shadows of a dream I once had that somehow I’ve lost the will to attain.
I know I have the D4DR mutation (see D4DR article). I need higher levels of dopamine than the rest. I understand that now. So what do I do? Seek out adventures on my own. Create my own thrills? My mom said I shouldn’t waste life sulking around the house, waiting for opportunities to present themselves. Indeed, I musn’t. She urges me to go out there, find some employment, not because I need to earn money badly but because I need the social company. Indeed I cannot lock myself up inside the house, under the pretense of freelance writing and with the internet as my social companion. Freelance writing is good. Writing, as I said countless of times, will always be my passion. Online social communities are nice. It is always great to meet real people virtually, whether they be clients or colleagues. Yet, I know that there is also more to life than just living a seemingly virtual existence.
So what are my plans now? Now that I have finally attained that long worked for diploma, where do I go from here? When I first “technically” graduated – that is when I finished all my subjects and have been free to get a full-time job, there were a lot of doors open for me. There were so many paths I could choose. Now that I have officially graduated – no more snags with the thesis – there are more doors than ever. But the doors are shrouded by a mist, a mist that only internal motivation and drive can lift up.
I know, subconciously, I have been sort of blaming a withering spiritual relationship for all of this. I keep thinking, if I fix this spiritual humdrum I am in, then I am sure the internal drive will return. But even with fixing that relationship, I am lacking motivation. Humbug! What has happened to me?
I must shake myself from this stupor. Get out there and start again. I am young. I am capable. And I know I can do it.
Besides, people with the D4DR mutation are more prone to psychological and psychiatric disorders when the dopamine levels they need are not met properly.