processing

Wait. I have to process things. Process for me, in this context, would be to blog. Blog about this. Yet for once I am at a lost where to begin writing. I keep thinking I have not made an update since the last time and a lot has happened (we had a blackout for 2 days!) and also I keep thinking, another personal post!?! Eck. What would respectable people think of me?

Then, again I am a selfish writer at times. And I need to write to process my emotions.

Love. As always, that is our topic. Why am I so afraid or so wrought up about it? *Shrugs* I really don’t know. That’s why I am writing.

First stop. Today I had to get rid of a really annoying person. I hated how he had been so assuming to think that I would wait for him when there was really no basis for me to do so. Does honestly and a good clean conversation counts as some insurance that I will wait for him. Well, poor him that he had to assume so many things that weren’t really there. I guess next time I should be more careful.

Second. Much as I detest admitting this, and honestly it brings tears to my eyes now that I think of it, there is really a part of me that knows how to flirt or how to play mind games – my own version that is. I have blogged about it earlier before on how flirtatious I sometimes get with a particular so and so person. And how shocked I am about it. Now, with this other person I realize that I could actually carry similar kind of banters. Or almost similar. In any case it was apparent by his confused state of mind that I was confusing him.

Or maybe, things that appeared simple and straightforward to me may not be simple and straightforward to him. Then again, maybe I should leave all other preconceived notions and bad assumptions that I have on this dating game and just approach it with my own spunk. And see where it leads me.

I am rambling. I don’t even have the faintest idea what I am talking about really. Ok so let’s start the tale from the beginning.

cute no more

What ever happened to Devon Sawa? He was really cute 14 years ago but now I cannot say the same thing. I don’t even find him handsome anymore. Not that I am really a fan. Just that today, while I was indulging my heart to piano renditions, I came across this really cool video.

Then I got into thinking about how cute Casper was when he became a boy. The actor who played him then was Devon Sawa. And this is how cute he was then.

"Can I keep you?" -Casper

He really is cute right? So I decided to look him up and here is the pic I got from IMDb. He is by the way, 31 y.o. now since he was born in 1978.

Source: www.devonsawa.org

Source: IMDb Profile

Again, I am not a fan. But I do find it sad.

missing my piano days

I know I should be beginning work today. I still have like a ton of work stuff to do, not to mention my target launch date for my website is fast approaching and the site isn’t ready yet. But then I can’t help but air this out.

How I wish I could play the piano again. I have been playing it on and off since I was 6 years old. I had formal piano lessons until I was seven and from then on I strove to learn everything else by myself. My approach was simple. If I like a piece I would study it to perfection and along the way memorize it. But a far from music education or training constricts me from honing my skills further. So as years passed, my skills waned.

But how I really wish I could play again. Then perhaps I could play as well as they do. Maybe it’s time I have my aunt’s piano tuned.

love is really irrational

Sigh. Again, I should be writing, given the couple of articles with impending deadlines. But I am just too sleepy writing about the topics currently assigned to me. So I decided to give in to my urge and look up his profile once more.

This will be another love rant post. Much as I try to control myself from posting such posts, I cannot. I know people I respect would read this – people I would be too embarrassed to share this with on a personal basis. But then again, this is my personal space and I have resolved to have my say in it – without censorship as much as possible.

So then, off I went to check out his profile. I haven’t talked to him as much as I would love to. I am not one who initiates conversations with someone I barely met. And I do not normally make kulit on other people except my guinea pigs. So instead I checked him out. Of course he has been active, I always see him online. But I am much too shy to talk to him. This guy is different. He is one of the guys with whom I have had a very decent and intelligent conversation and with whom I want to constantly have conversations with. But then, I am reserved when it comes to initiating those conversations. I don’t also feel that at ease to blurt about just anything – unlike with my guinea pigs.

How can it be that you like someone, yet that someone doesn’t like you back? How can it be that one conversation lasting running through the entire span of the night until the next morning could have such an irrational effect on one girl’s poor foolish heart. Despite the many others who are out there clamoring for my conversation or my attention, it is his attention, his conversation I want. Sad to say, he is not amongst those clamoring for it. He is online but God knows what he is doing. I do not want to infringe.

Then again, I have to chide myself. He is not really who I am looking for. He is not the one I have been destined for. But irrationality does set in and my heart yearns. And all other else pales in comparison.

take a peek at the hum of my mind

I am always rattled when people I personally know – people like my long-time friends, people I respect because they are higher in stature than me or because they are my clients – tell me that they enjoy my blog immensely. I sometimes find it hard to believe that they are indeed reading my entries.

My blog is a whiplash of everything and anything under the sun. It contains my rants and raves about my life – love life, work life, family life, social life, school life – and my opinions and observations on current issues both political and social in nature. It is a combination of serious articles that I can be confident to submit in any periodical and personal diary entries that are best left written in a private journal. My blog is again anything and everything under the sun.

And so it is with much chagrin that I find people whom I respect reading my blog. Who knows when they would find my personal entries? Sometimes I am led to believe that I should create separate blogs -a blog for my personal entries and a blog for my more serious opinions. After all, how would people take my opinions on politics seriously if they appear side by side with an entry about love longings.

But then again a woman’s brain is wired into all sorts of connections that communicate with each other. And in deference to the title of my blog, Cerebral Insights, when one takes a look inside my mind, they will find wires upon wires connected with each other. Political opinions wired to personal love issues, stands on critical issues wired to work angst. They are all connected and wired in some weird sort of way.

And then I rationalize that this is me. What anyone reads here is simply who I am. This blog, after all, is a first and foremost personal blog. It is a virtual and literal mirror of the depths of my soul. And I am not afraid to admit who I am in my entirety – the good and the bad. Some people say that employers may turn down prospective applicants when they read their personal blogs and get to see who they are really hiring. But then I am not really afraid to show them who I am. I can readily admit to my weaknesses just as I can play up my strengths.

So before I digress, I guess I should be proud that people are reading what I write. I did write somewhere once that Writers love to have readers and that is true in my case. I love to have readers and I would mostly love to be able to interact with them. Before the year ends and as my last post in this blog, I would make an article about the stats the blog has received. It is not that impressive in a grand scale but for me it is impressive given my humble beginnings and my original intentions for having this blog.

In the future, perhaps I would move all my political opinions and articles to a more appropriate blog. Perhaps in the future Cerebral Insights would branch out to many other blogs. Already it did, or I tried to, but the task is too overwhelming for me at this point. So for now, Cerebral Insights will continue to live up to its purpose, and that is to mirror the hum of my mind.

So go ahead, take a peek at the hum of my mind, and if you want, give a piece of your mind as well.

***

New domain updates: By January, I hope to launch my own domain: cerebralinsights.com. It is already up and hosted but I am still revamping it so navigation will be much easier. The design is still bland as most free available themes lack a one feature or another that I like.

TLW Rocks!

May bf ka na?

Ito na ata ang tanong na paulit ulit kong narinig sa buwan na to. Mas madalas ata akong natanong ng tanong na to kaysa mga tanong gaya ng: San ka na ngayon? Anong trabaho mo? Grad ka na ba? Nakakasawa na. Ni hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ko na tong narinig. Tuwing matatanong ako nito, sa isip-isip ko, Eto na naman tayo. At mahahaba-habang paliwanagan na ang susunod dahil sa reaksyon at kasunod na tanong nila sa sagot ko.

Simple lang naman sagot ko. WALA PA. At sunod na dun ang mga tanong.

Ows. Talaga?

Bakit naman?

Di ako makapaniwala.

At ang paborito ko:

Sa ganda mong yan at talino mo, wala talaga?

Hehe. Eh sa ano naman kasi kung wala talaga? Kahit ako nahirapan nag i-explain sa sarili ko kung bakit. Alam ko di pa panahon. Di pa sya dumadating. Di ko pa sya nakikilala (o baka nakilala ko na di ko lang alam na sya na pala kasi di pa nga time).

So, kung meron pa rin magtanong sakin kung bakit wala pa rin akong boyfriend, isa lang ang isasagot ko: DI PA KASI TIME. At ayoko na mag-explain pa ng pagkahaba-haba. Nakakapagod na. Hehe. ;D

more than words

Sometimes I think writing, like any other thing in this world, can experience a temporary dry spell or a temporary lack of luster. A friend of mine was aghast to discover that after he became a freelance writer, he had so little time to write in his personal blog as compared to the time when he was not a freelance writer. I guess doing writing for a living zaps the energy out from us to create our own personal posts.

Rewriting is ok. The idea is not yours and you simply re-word an existing article. But writing a whole new article based on a given topic is really something else. As you pound your brain for words on how to expound on the topic.. as you search for new ways to pen ideas into life.. energy seeps out of you that after the article is done, you are pretty much exhausted to write another one. But you push on because it is mandated and required by your job.

**

I feel sad. Not depressed, just sad. I realized this will be the first Christmas we won’t have as a family. My dad won’t be home with us for Christmas. I am sad thinking he will be spending the holidays alone, without us. I am sad thinking we will be spending the holidays without him. But then we must adapt. Things will eventually end this way. We must prepare ourselves now.

**

Funny how feelings of anger or indignation can elicit a flurry of words for me to write on but feelings of sadness – the really deep kind – can only elicit silence. No words would flow. Even tears are denied of me now to ebb the sadness constricting my heart.

**

Blogging. The writer’s best friend. This is true and a statement I can fully relate to. And even if asked to insert several seemingly ambiguous keywords, I know I can pull off this article. So why the apparent lack of words? Is this because energy for writing an article closer to home is severely diminished as compared to writing an article on a more foreign subject? Maybe. In any case, I better get back to writing my article.

**

New site updates: There is progress. Even if just minimal.

installing updates 1 of 3

Well this is an update post, hence the title. I really had quite a number of blog ideas that I haven’t penned yet. Mainly because I lack the time (who doesn’t) and because I have already imported my blog to my new domain and adding new posts or receiving new comments means doing another import. Then again, after several articles I decided to make another post – a breather for me as always.

**

For the blog ideas, lest I forget them. I want to write about how colorful Philippine politics is – with the vast array of candidates we have. Maybe I will wait for the official declaration of candidates before writing an article on that. Also I want to write a post about my experiences on watching movies aboard buses – I have had quite a few. I also want to share (and this has been an idea since time immemorial) on how I seem to have taken a step backward by moving back home after college graduation. I really need to get this article done because in a few weeks time, I will be moving out again. Then I also want to write about a new culture I have been exposed to through my readings – the Amish culture. Other ideas are the all-encompassing effect of Facebook, the draws of Farmvilles (why doctors and company managers even play the game with much gusto), the “cam-whoreness” of some and my exhilarating thesis finish. Too many ideas, too little time. And yet I am now a writer – a home-based one at that.

**

Wine Expert. Wine lover. Wine bars. Three consecutive articles I’ve written are all about wines and wine bars. I feel like I could recommend either a Pinot Noir or a Chardonnay for your meal anytime. Or perhaps you would like a charcuterie. Truth be told, I do not know anything about wines except that reds go well with red meat and whites go well with white meat. And that they are mostly made from grapes. But being a writer has exposed me a lot to the world of wine that I feel like going out there and putting my wine knowledge to the test. One day, I hope to have enough money to taste, even collect, every great wine out there. Flights, anyone?

Charcuterie – preserved meat products served as nibblers // it is actually a branch of cooking devoted to prepared meat products

Flights – three or more small pours of wine designed to let you contrast and compare different wine varieties // a great way to explore wines

***

Cover. Acoustic Cover. Violin Cover. Book Cover.

Hehe. The last item is a joke. Today, to ward off the silence created by being alone inside the house, I stumbled upon acoustic covers of different songs by someone in YouTube named rdunquest. I must say he plays the guitar really well. Not to mention, he looks kind of hot even if he shows his face partially. But then, what is a cover, acoustic or violin? I really don’t know but hearing his videos, I think they are short introductions to the song. Which makes it kind of bitin listening to his fantastic rendition. Take this video for example:

***

Updates finished installing. Please restart computer for settings to take effect.

Loopholes in the Constitution

Martial Law has been declared. Erap has been allowed to run for re-election. And in both accounts there have been serious questions as to who interpreted the constitution correctly.

In response to the Maguindanao massacre and the government’s difficulty in arresting everyone charged, GMA declared martial law in Maguindanao with the reason citing rebellion as the reason justifying the act. According to the law, (Article 7, Section 18) only invasion and rebellion are grounds for declaring Martial Law. Government officials admitted there was no actual rebellion – only a threat of one which was preventing them from implementing justice in the land. This raised questions within lawmakers as to what rebellion actually covers in the constitution.

For the upcoming presidential elections, former President Joseph Estrada, who wasn’t able to finish his term, decided to run once more for office. He has now filed his candidacy for the May 2010 Presidential Elections although there have been several groups who contested this. Every petition filed against his candidacy claims that he is violating a section of the Constitution (Article 7, Section 4) that prohibited any president from seeking reelection. However, his camp argues that he wasn’t able to finish his term and thus he is exempted from the given rule. This fired up debates on what the constitution really meant in that provision.

What I see in all these is that there are loopholes emerging from the country’s constitution. Either that or people just can’t understand what the law says. These two items that are being heavily contested are heavily influenced by the aftermath of the Martial Law declared by Marcos. The provision about declaring Martial Law covers the fact that no president should be able to lawfully justify declaring Martial Law for the sake of military rule like the one done by Marcos. The other contested provision about Erap running for reelection prevented any president from serving more than his allotted term in office thus preventing another overextended rule like that of Marcos. Both provisions that are being debated upon right now are attempts to prevent another Marcos from rising in the country.

Then again, I believe that there are certain things that should be improved upon the 1987 Constitution. The Constitution is almost 23 years old (same age as me) and in those 23 years there have been a lot of changes in the country – changes that would need some flexibility in the laws. I know a lot are wary about ChaCha and many oppose it but I think they should stop and consider the benefits of the act. I am not promoting radical changes in the Constitution but I want to see some amendments that would reflect the changing times and the changing needs of the country.

I hope our lawmakers would seriously look into the issue of fixing up loopholes in the law that gives the country such confusion like with what is happening now. I hope that instead of passing up pitiful laws like the renaming of streets, etc. they would look at the more important ones. I certainly hope our lawmakers would be able to anticipate social issues that would need more stringent laws instead of waiting for some crime to happen before coming up with the idea that a law could have prevented that from happening. Take the case of the Hayden Kho sex scandals wherein they discovered there was no exact law where he could be implicated or the recent Maguindanao massacre wherein if there was a law banning private armies, then such monstrosity could have been avoided.

The elections are fast approaching and with it the chance to once again elect some of the country’s lawmakers. I hope, as citizens who care for the democracy our forefathers fought with their blood, we would do our chance in voting wisely for lawmakers who would do what they have been elected to do – constitute laws that would be of service to the country and not amass personal wealth that would be of service only to them and a few others.

can’t remain silent for long

I know I have been silent recently. By that, I haven’t posted anything. The reason partly is because I am busy – busy writing for clients and attending social events (yup, I have managed to have some form of social life now). But the major reason is because I have already moved the contents of these blog to my new domain and I do not want to make another import. I have even resisted accepting new comments which were held in moderation.

But I cannot remain silent for long. I plan to launch my new domain in January so that’s really a long time not to post anything. Not to mention that there have been a lot happening in the country (Martial Law has been declared – not in the entire Philippines, only in Maguindanao) and in my life (the year is ending and it is time for reflections again of the year gone by).

So I have decided that while my new domain is still held in queue (because I am having immense trouble trying to customize it even if just to have the simple theme I now have), I will continue blogging here – in my beloved wordpress.com blog up until I have the new site up and running.

There would be some major changes. For one, I have planned that there should be a static page welcoming visitors to the site. Visitors who decide to access the blog through the main site would not readily access the daily posts but rather would see a static page guiding them through the site. You see, I have discovered that some clients find me through my blogs. On one hand, it gets pretty embarrassing that they read up front about my woes on love or my rants on work. One client did tell me it was a good thing because it gave me personality as a writer but still I think there would be a more classy approach to it.

So I thought why not create a static page – a general welcome and direction page for everyone – and then several other pages. Of course there is the homepage that would contain the daily posts and then there would also be a portfolio page where clients can see pertinent information about me and some samples of my work. Of course the site remains a personal blog site but then it would also be customized to cater to serious clients.

I have such high hopes for my site – finally. But then I find it so taxing to search for the right theme with the right options. Not to mention that I have such a small knowledge (practically zero) on CSS. My old school HTML knowledge has long been obsolete I guess.

So for now, I will continue updating everything here. Maybe even create the pages here so that eventually I will simply do another import of everything when the template is finally ready.

***

I am about to take another leap. A leap back to where I once were, a year ago. The geotags of my post will finally change. In fairness, I am immensely excited. I feel like I am about to have my entire life back. So long bumship and hello world!

risk risk risk

It is past 3 in the morning and I am still up. The day promises to be an even busier one. But I cannot sleep. Not with all this worries and apprehensions plaguing my mind. I hate that word – worry. The Bible specifically warns against it. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel it.

Then again, what should I be worrying about? If I consider everything there really is nothing to worry about in this world – if only I could see things in His perspective.

Then again what is eating me. Tomorrow, or specifically in less than 12 hours time, I may or I may not have my own website. I have already bought my own domain. I now own cerebralinsights.com. If you click on it, you will see that it is still nothing. I have no host yet. I already have an account with a free webhost service, but I am too tired to figure them out.

Then again, I have been offered by a client (yes, a client) to be hosted in his hosting service for free. But warnings from friends made the offer sound too good to be true. If I host my site in his server, I risk losing all my files (in case he decides to steal them) or I risk another person controlling the contents of my blogs.

Sigh. Then again, I find myself asking – what is the risk? How precious or how attached have I become to my writings? Am I not prepared to lose them all? For starters, I don’t really back up all my blogs. I mean, my hard drive has limited capacity and I see no sense in containing my blog posts in it. Also, I can always replace my posts – not replicate them in exact fashion but write something similar, perhaps. And most importantly, losing my writings will not in any way diminish who I am as a writer nor stop me from writing.

I would just have to start from scratch in that sense.

So I guess it all boils down to how much I trust this person. Well even this blog entry is a risk considering he may be able to read it. Thinking back, everything I did in life involved some small amount of risk. Trusting people have always been risky and I have never been afraid of that particular risk – blame the D4DR mutation. (Even the prospect of approaching a snake for the sake of conquering my phobia appeals to me – again we have the D4DR gene to blame).

Now, can I rest well knowing tomorrow, or in a few hours time, I yet again make a big risk in my life? Perhaps. Then again, there are bigger risks out there that I must start worrying (again, I hate the term but why do I use it to describe what I feel) about. Next week, I hope to start my application for a position in the academe. I have lamented the past previous days how I am unable to hold a job for long – how even the vast world of freelancing has lost its appeal for me. My sister tells me that I need a job with a constantly shifting environment, as I tend to bore easily. So next week, is yet again a new adventure.

Well dear reader. If in the next couple of hours or days you find yourself staring at cerebralinsights.com then that means that one way or another I have managed to secure my host – how? Well expect a post on that, perhaps. And wish me luck or better yet guidance and protection. (My Christian upbringing still shines through at certain times even in the terms I use.)

So now I rest. Confident that whatever happens, whatever the outcome is – all will be well.

ramblings of a restrained heart

I hope but I do not expect. For who am I to expect when there is no right given for expectations.

I hope but I do not expect. For who am I in his eyes but a mere stranger – nobody in particular and everybody in general.

I hope but I do not expect. For to expect would be to entail some form of commitment and to hope is all that is possible at this point.

I hope but I do not expect. For hopes are all I can have when I am forever bound by the rules the mind exacts.

I hope but I do not expect. For to hope gives a fifty-fifty chance – it might and it might not.

I hope but I do not expect. For to hope means lesser hurt than to expect. Lesser heart aches. Lesser heart breaks.

-Heart-

is it really worth it?

Is it indeed worth it? To love someone only to lose that person? Are the tears shed, the pain felt, the heartbreak and emotional turmoil enough to compensate for those moments of joy you’ve shared with the person who now is no longer within your midst or inside your heart? Is the eventual parting worth all those days and nights of seemingly eternal bliss?

I see and I observe. Never had I experienced it. From what I see, it seems such a folly. To waste too much emotions on things unknown if it would last. Some may call me stupid – choosing loneliness and suppression over risking feeling that elusive emotion called love. But then again I do not think it is worth the pain. There are so many other things out in the world worth risking for. I am not about to risk my emotions for love though.

As I had relentlessly stated here, I will love with my mind and with my heart. Both must be in constant agreement. Although it is true that the heart continues to beat, with the logical guidance of my mind, I am able to save it from eventual heartache.

And thus in the battle between the blue sorrow of the mind and the red passion of the heart, I choose the former.